Stop Hatin' on my TeeVee

Pop Stars Luv Doctors

2011-02-09T17:15:00.005-05:00

So Monday's episode of How I Met Your Mother was pretty good I guess. I really liked seeing Marshall interact with his mother and brother, but honestly couldn't care less who Ted hooks up with unless it's the Mother which Zoe is clearly not because I have never seen her paint robots playing sports...
But, one great thing happened (and I think you know what it is... KATY PERRY WAS ON!!!!!
Yes, Katy Perry is one of my faves and I think she really did a pretty good job playing Zoe's adorable yet gullible cousin... but I realized something crazy about the How I Met Your Mother stunt casting...

wait for it....

They always pair pop stars with former TV doctors!

First there was Britney Spears playing the crazy secretary at Sarah Chalke's medical practice... and we all know Sarah Chalke is "famous" for playing Elliot Reed, the clumsy yet competent doctor/love interest on Scrubs...

And now, we have Katy Perry -a more relevant, recent pop star- playing the cousin of Jennifer Morrison, the actress made famous by playing Dr. Cameron on House.

And the best part????? Both of these pop stars were paired up (in bed) with the best TV doctor of all time.... that's right....

2009-02-22T16:54:00.000-05:00

Why I Will Never Do Porn

2009-01-09T17:06:00.005-05:00

From the second I heard that Ryan Seacrest was producing Momma's Boys, I've felt like an Amazing Racer near a pit stop. The show has not disapointed. It's got everything! Drama! Racism! Makeouts!

But if you listen to the way Erica has been has been talking in clips like this you might think the stakes were a little higher.

Seriously girl, calm down.

Five Shows That Would Be Better Than Brody Jenner's BroMance

2009-01-09T16:35:00.005-05:00

So how do we feel about Brody Jenner? I don't know man. I don't find the dude all that offensive, but I also don't find him all that interesting. Also, he spent many years of his life being BFFs with Spencer Pratt.

I'm not really sure if that's a plus or minus.

Anyway, I've been watching Brody Jenner's BroMance (duh) and it's much like Brody himself: inoffensive and uninteresting. The only thing on the show that really makes my eyes roll out of my head is how important and famous and totally the best guy ever everyone tries to make Brody seem.

Alright guys. He's rich, sure. He probably had sex with Lauren Conrad, sure. He's good looking, I know. But- he was a middling character on a half hour reality show. That's it. He's less famous than Audrina. So when one of the contestants claimed "Brody's the man. Every girl wants him and every guy wants to be him", I nearly spit my Hannah Montana Hot Chocolate all over my TV. No. No no no no no.

So what shows would I rather watch?

-Lo Bosworth's LoMance

The only character from The Hills I really like enough to watch in a spinoff is Lo. She's snarky, she's hot, and she knows she's above most bull shit.
The show could basically be me and Lo hanging out and talking shit about people. And then I win a condo.

-George Clooney's ClooMance

Instead of some douche bag trust funder with no real skills, wouldn't viewers prefer to watch the actual man all women want and all men want to be? I think so.

-Jay Leno's LeNoMance

Let's imagine that Kevin Eubanks one day leaves Jay in a Spencarian display of drama. What would Jay need to do? It could definitely involve picking up chicks with some dudes and eliminating them in a hot tub. And NBC could air it in the 9pm timeslot, for all Jay, all the time.

-Joey Lawrence's WhoaMance

Do people still like jokes about Blossom?

-Paris Hilton's My New BFF

Paris Hilton would be the ultimate Bro! She's sexy, she's rich, and she's a media darling! In this show, MTV could put a bunch of girls and gay dudes in a mansion and let the drama fly! It would be awesome!
Oh, wait.

saved!

2008-12-31T10:45:00.001-05:00

Oh, that's right....

I don't have Time Warner.

Suckers!

Thanks iO digital cable for NOT screwing me over.

I'm gonna go home and watch MTV Tres alllll night.

THE (possible) WORST NEW YEARS EVAR!!!

2008-12-31T09:46:00.004-05:00

As you know, I only care about things that directly affect me or are related to pop culture. And in general, public radio is not one of the things I ever pay any attention to.

The coffee shop I go to every morning usually has WNYC playing. They never really talk about The Hills so I tend to ignore it.

Today, I went in, and the news is playing... I hear what I always do, which is pretty much:

"blah blah blah Madoff blah blah blah blah blah blah blah automakers blah blah blah blah Barack Obama blah blah blah blah Israel blah blah blah jobless rate blah blah blah wintry mix" until.... "blah blah blah VIACOM WILL PULL PROGRAMMING FROM TIME WARNER CABLE!!!!"

NO NO NO NO NO NO! Where will get our drams? Where will the kids get their Hannah Montana? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BISEXUAL TWIN MARKET???

Thanks for ruining Christmas, Time Warner Cable.

in search of friends who know shit

2008-12-30T17:05:00.003-05:00

Hey guys. I seem to have a bit of a problem. I need to find some new people to hang out with. Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they are fun to drink beer with and are really good at talking shit, but I am really hurting in one area: Nobody knows shit about pop culture.

Seriously, I had a g-chat status message up about Betty White and people asked me who she was. Unacceptable people.

Seriously, it's really not fair to me. Sometimes, I think of the funniest jokes about The Jonas Brothers or have the most astute observations about Brody Jenner. But does anyone I know care? No! And it's terrible! My genius goes completely wasted!

What's a poor person with a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of all things low brow to do?

So, I'm taking applications for people that want to be my friend! Will you laugh when I make an obscure reference from an old season of Survivor? If not, FUCK OFF.

My ideal candidate will be-
-Between the ages of 21 and 39
-A Brooklyn resident
-Really, really, really cool
-Almost as smart as me
-NOT cooler than me
-NOT smarter than me
-The Audrina to my LC

Spread the word. If I don't find someone who fits those requirements soon, I might have to start hanging out with middle school kids or something. Those kids can't hold their liquor, but they sure know what's up.

Watching The Survivor Finale...

2008-12-15T10:00:00.003-05:00

1. And wtf is Probst thinking? That dude is crazy... it's only the opening recap of the season, but he just said that Crystal and Kenny tricked Randy into playing a fake Immunity Idol.

NO! No no no no no! That is not at all what happened? And why would he say that? That was all Sugar, all the time. With a little Bob.

I am so sick of the "Sugar is dumb" stuff. Just because she's a hot chick from Brooklyn does not mean she's dumb.

I love her.

Fuck you, Probst.

2. Jeff Probst, about Sugar during the Immunity Challenge "Sugar, squeezing that booty through." SHUT UP PROBST.

All drams, all the time...

2008-12-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

Please add to the list of things I allow you to hate me for: I do not follow The Hills.

Embarrassing, I know, but I just never got into it when it started, and as it snowballed in popularity... I don't know, maybe I was too busy with every other reality show on teevee to pay attention.

I know some things (because I don't live under a rock)... I know what all the main characters look like, I know that Lauren and Heidi got in a feud that somehow involves Spencer, I know that Spencer Pratt is one of the most vile human beings alive on the planet... I mean of course I know these things, I'm an American.

Anyway, I was just as shocked and appalled as every other person on the face of the planet when I found out that Heidi married Spencer, and I've seen the last couple of episodes.

But I can't properly stop the hatin' on anything if I don't have a clear understanding of it, so I decided I should spend some time watching The Hills from the beginning. And man oh man. It is baffling.

I am only at the end of season one. I don't like it all that much but I feel like I must watch every episode. It seems like a puzzle. All I can think is how the fuck will Heidi transform from the nice (if out of touch) girl dating Jordan who is smart enough to see that Lauren's relationship with Jason is crap to the girl who has no friends and thinks it's a good idea to marry Spencer?

Seriously.

Other random observations:

-I hate Jason. I think that Lauren needs to date a Dan Humphrey type.

-Whitney totally rules. Definitely the most (and maybe only?) sympathetic character... and she seems really smart and good at stuff.

-Audrina is a weirdo. I kind of thought that Audrina was a character that only surfaced in the later seasons, I'm surprised to see that she's made it this long... I can't wait to see how she meets Justin Bobby. That's gonna be a total shit show.

Well, I have tons more Hills to watch.

Stay tuned for years late commentary on episodes you hardly remember.

Love you, haters!

Just A Nice Jewish Girl...

2008-11-25T10:19:00.006-05:00

Hey haters, It's that special time of year again. A time when the weather is cold and life seems magical. A time when our thoughts turn to all we have to be grateful for. That's right! It's TARcon Season again, the point in the year where The Amazing Race becomes the most important thing in my life. I'm at the point where I dream about Detours and think of my morning commute as is if I'm Racing. It's oh so much fun.

Now, there have been several teams I've really enjoyed so far this year, of course the nerd in me loved the Comic Book Dudes, Dallas and Toni remind me of my mom and my brother, and Ken and Tina are surprisingly likable as this season's token "HE CHEATED ON ME" couple.

But! I have something very embarrassing to admit. I almost can't write it, as it would get me seriously hated on if I was to say it on any TARfly message board, but... here goes...

I Totally Love The Frat Boys.
There. I said it. I know I know I know, they're annoying, and incompetent, and generally just terrible Racers, but no matter how hard I try, I always find myself hoping they'll be spared Philmination. Why? Oh, I have my reasons.

First of all, I'm just a nice Jewish girl. You all probably know this about me already, but I'm one of the chosen people, and damn proud of it. Even though Andrew and Dan are kind of clueless assholes, they're also the kind of guys I awkwardly flirted with after morning services at Kutz Camp. Andrew in particular would totally have been right up my alley, with his ginger Jew-fro and gold Star of David pendant. I guess it's an acquired taste...

Secondly, they share my slapstick nature. Some people are just destined to have consistently slapstick lives. You've seen it in Jennifer Anniston movies, you've seen it happen to Dr. Elliot Reed on Scrubs and Susan Meyer on Desperate Housewives, but you might want to know that it happens to some of us in real life too. Some people will never be graceful... and I'm sad to say I'm one of them. If something not-too-tragic can happen to make me look silly, it will happen. I'll fall over tiny cracks in the sidewalk, I'll get chili powder in my eye at a restaurant, I'll leave the bathroom of the bar with my dress tucked into my tights. It's just part of my life, I have come to accept it -but more importantly, it makes me understand and identify with other people with this problem... so let me just say: Team Dandrew, I feel your pain.
Anyone can fuck up on the Race. It takes a special kind of fuck up to loose your fucking shoes, change in and out of your military outfit several times, be physically unable to perform a march, and still stay in the Race.

Bravo Boys, I doubt you'll win, but maybe I'll see you at TARcon13, and maybe we can giggle when we spill beer all over each other by accident.

Or better yet, Manischewitz.

End Of Work Day Thoughts....

2008-11-20T16:44:00.004-05:00

Hey haters, I'm at work, and still have a lot of blah blah blah work to do, but I want to catch up on my hatin'. I really don't talk to you all nearly enough. So here are my thoughts about the world of entertainment right now.

-Politics is not entertainment, OKAY Entertainment Tonight?
I just watched an ep of ET from a few nights ago. And guess what??? The "Real or Rumor?" segment they have each night featured the Hillary as possible Secretary of State story. No!! No ET!! Not okay! That is not a story that should follow up the Is Miley Cyrus really getting a recording studio for her sixteenth birthday story.
Of course the story was reported in a very ET way, you know what I mean... "Will Hil be dressing up as Sec of State for the inauguration?" and all that jazz. But still. Whatever.

-I got my first nasty youtube comment today!
Yeah, lately I've been trying to start uploading things to YouTube while at work. I see lots of funny TV everyday and it's almost shocking how little of it actually makes it to youtube, so I've decided to do my part. Last week I posted an adorable video of Alexis Gosselin seeing an Aldergator. Today I posted Craig Ferguson being angry about the death of punk rock. All things near and dear to my heart.
Well, within minutes of me posting the Craig clip, some internet douche was already pissed about it! Success!

-I can't stop thinking about this one Verizon commercial.

It's not new, and at first I didn't think it was funny... but the more I see it, and think about it too much, the more hilarious it seems to me. Here is this guy's schedule:
9:30-1:00 Send funny pix to wife
1:00-1:15 Text son throughout recess
1:15-3:00 Exchange flix with daughter
3:00-4:00 Text aimlessly to everyone

Wow. That is 3.5 hours of his day dedicated exclusively to sending his wife funny pictures. Where does he get these pictures? Where are they from? I mean... the more I think about this commercial the more obsessed I get with trying to figure out what exactly he and his son talk about at recess, and what has he forgotten to say that he must remember to send during the one hour text wrap up from 3:00-4:00?

The world may never know.

-Thursday Night TV.
There's a lot of good stuff on tonight, I will not enumerate it to you. But- a not to be missed event is Chloe and Jimmy's Wedding!

Will those two work it out despite doomsday? Or will Chloe and what's-his-name get together? Who cares.

-Dutch People
First off, congrats, McKey! Good job at becoming the next Top Model or whatever. I'm sure you'll do all kinds of great CoverGirl ads. But, the best thing about the finale of America's Next Top Model? Andy Van Den Krommenacker made me yearn for the Olympics, when I would giggle everytime someone said Pieter Van Den Hoogenband.

Man, those were happier days.

OMFG I LOVE YOU PAT KIERNAN!!!!

2008-11-20T10:23:00.002-05:00

ZOMFG!!!1!!!! The best thing ever happened to me today.

All long-time readers know that I am absolutely crazy-go-nuts over sexy Canadian anchorman Pat Kiernan. I watch NY1 every morning before work and love the way he tells me about my lovely city.

A week or so ago, I was watching "In The Papers" (my favorite morning ritual) and good ol' Pat was reporting on a story about some government official who has thousands and thousands of Facebook Friends. My buddy Pat went on to talk about how embarrassed that made him, as he barely even had 500.

Now, you should all know me well enough to know that I sprinted as fast as my wireless internet would let me over to Facebook and friended him, with a message about the broadcast.

Today, I check the Facebook and what do I have? The following message from Pat Kiernan himself:

"Thanks for helping me to get over my Facebook self-esteem issue.

Pat"

Anytime Pat, anytime.

Why Gossip Girl rules and 90210 sucks ass.

2008-11-12T16:12:00.003-05:00

Hey haters! How's the hating? It's pretty good over here.

I know you've been wondering where I stand with trashy teen dramas on the CW lately, and I have to admit that I feel bad that I've kept you in the dark for so long. I'll be honest: I'm not completely up to date on either Gossip Girl (I'm only half way through "Pret-A-Poor-J") or 90210 (I've probably only seen half of the episodes... because it sucks too much ass), but I still think I have a pretty good idea of what's goin on.

Really, when it comes down to it, my thesis hinges on the following two teen movies of the nineties:

Never Been Kissed and Cruel Intentions

That may sound fucking stupid, but I assure you I have my reasons.

Remember this movie? Never Been Kissed was one of the shittier teen comedies of the nineties, starring Drew Barrymore and that dude from Alias. Drew went into the high school as an undercover reporter and made friends with the popular girls and Dude From Alias was her teacher and fell in love with her and then felt guilty and it was a scandal and blah blah blah boringsville.

On the other hand...

Cruel Intentions totally ruled. Buffy and Ryan Phillipe were stuck up rich kids with nothing to loose and Buffy taught Selma Blair how to kiss. Hottttt.
But then Buffy bet Ryan Phillipe that he couldn't seduce Reese Witherspoon and if he did he'd get to fuck Buffy even though she was his step-sister and they acted all intense and people died or something but we all learned a valuable lesson about life, I guess.
Now that was a quality nineties teen movie.

Alright, pop quiz hotshots!!! If you were going to take one of these plots and incorporate it into a trashy CW teen drama, which would you pick? Yeah, good choice.

This season, on Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair, two characters practically straight out of Cruel Intentions already, take on a very similar plot to the movie, and the scenes play out with very similar blocking and acting. Brilliant! Bravo! Good plan!

Meanwhile, over in embarrassingly crappy TV... An undercover cop named Kimberly enrolls at West Beverly in an attempt to bust some teacher who's dealing to the students. But! While Kimberly is undercover she and blandly sexy teacher Ryan Matthews (who is exactly the same kind of boring as Alias-face) fall in lurrrrve and it's a scandal and blah blah blah even more boring than the original if that's possible.

Seriously CW... you know better. No one really gives a fuck about this guy:

...expect maybe Brenda and Kelly.

BRO CODE HITS STORES!!!!

2008-11-11T10:18:00.003-05:00

At long last, my idol (and personality doppleganger) Barney Stinson has published his awesome book of awesomeness!!! You can buy it wherever books are sold. Go buy it! I'm tearing up just thinking about it. WTG, Stinson.

Review pending.

Best Cross-Over EVAR

2008-09-24T09:46:00.004-04:00

So y'all remember Luke Perry? He used to be a dreamboat on 90210 and then he was in that episode of Family Guy. Wasn't he also in the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer? An imdb search reveals he was indeed... Also, he was apparently a voice on three episodes of Pepper Ann and one episode of Clone High The man has cred!

That reminds me that I haven't been to The Olive Garden in forevvvver!.
But enough about me, back to Luke Perry.

So Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor are laboriously written into the new 90210, but thus far there has been no sign of bad-boy Dylan... but he has been mentioned as the father of Kelly's son and the fact that Kelly is still in love with Dylan has been mentioned.... But last I saw him, Dylan was pretty busy helping to save humanity over in Jeremiah, a crappy Sci Fi series about a distopia in which everyone over "the age of innocence" was wiped out by "The Big Death". Not, so good, but kind of addictive.

I know Jeremiah ended years ago, but so did 90210's relevance... so why don't we make TV magic and put them together?

Here's my proposal: The Big Death comes to Beverly Hills, and kills everyone over the age of innocence (sorry Brenda and Kelly! You're too old!). Soon a bunch of sexy teenagers are running around without parents, looting Chanel and Dior, and having crazy sex and drug parties until Beverly Hills looks more like Compton. Jeremiah and Kelly's son steps in to save the day... hilarity ensues.

Now THAT would be a much better show.

Can I Get Some Shabbat In The House?

2008-09-21T11:45:00.003-04:00

Hey haters... I know it's been a long time, nice to see you.

What's new in my life? Well, most importantly I spend most of my downtime watching reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on my DVR. I've also been seeing a lot of pop music. And thinking about boys way too much. Also, I'm working restlessly to improve my WPM. I'm at an average of about 66 wpm right now! Highest ever score on Type Racer was 79! Thanks dvorak!

But, in TV news, now that Season 5 of House is under way, I'm finally catching up on season 4. I'm not done yet, and at this point in the blog post I'd usually start yelling at you with the "NO SPOILERS" and whatnot, but unfortunately I already spoiled myself by reading a stupid (and interesting and sexy) article in "Entertainment Weekly". So yes, I know that 13 really does have Huntingtons, and yes I know that Cutthroat Bitch is going to die and it's somehow going to House's fault and blah blah blah, but I'm still enjoying watching it.

This morning I watched "Don't Ever Change" (S4E12), starring that chick that plays Sarah Silverman's doormat sister on The Sarah Silverman Program.

The episode is about a Hasidic woman who gets sick on her wedding day. And guess what? House cures her!!!! (Sorry for the spoiler).

But anyway, watching this episode greatly reignited my Jew-cravings.

Yep, you heard it here first, I'm a Jew... and I love my religion. Being the hip twenty-something in Brooklyn that I am, I don't usually spend much time doing religious stuff, and usually I'm fine with that... but every few months I'll get an intense desire to just study the fuck out of the Torah while sipping on some Manishewitz.
Is that so much to ask? Oy.

Seriously, nothing sounds as great to me as getting together with a bunch of cool Jewish peeps, doing a quick prayer service, singing a few Debbie Friedman songs, and getting smashed. Am I huge weirdo?

I might put my money where my mouth is and try to organize something. As far as I know, nothing similar happens in Brooklyn... but I might just be out of the loop.

Would you come?

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

2008-08-11T02:54:00.004-04:00

So you guys watching The Olympics? Yeah, me neither. But NBC sure makes me feel like I am.

Did you realize that the Olympics were going to be on NBC? Did you? They want to remind you.

Everything on NBC (and USA, and Bravo... and probably Sci Fi) has been Olympics themed. The fucking season finale of Last Comic Standing featured actors dressed up as olympians and stupid vignettes about the comics' events (Comedy Horse, Bass Jumper, Comic Ninja). But the worst part is that Project Runway featured a challenge in which the (stupid) designers had to design (stupid) outfits for the (stupid) opening ceremony.

Thanks NBC and all your affiliated networks! Without you I might have forgotten that The Olympics existed.

Well all this Olympics talk has made me think of something Craig said a few weeks ago.

Jarod Miller, host of (top five summer reality show) Greatest American Dog was the guest. Before he came out, Craig played a clip of an earlier Dog Bone Challenge (this show's version of a Head of Household comp). After the clip, Craig shook his fist and said "Take that NBC and your Olympics!" Oh Craig.

On a non-Olympics related note... Congrats to Iliza Shlesinger for being the first female winner of Last Comic Standing.

GIRL POWER!!!

Item! House Guests More Paranoid Than Previously Thought

2008-08-08T10:48:00.003-04:00

If you didn't know about (today's) The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To Me, let me inform you:

Every Wedensday, Julie Chen is a guest on The Late Late Show and Craig talks to the Big Brother House Guests.

Yep! My two favorite things combined! Every week!

Well, you know what's crazy?

Over half of the house told Craig that they thought that the earthquake last week was not real and was just a trick played on them by the CBS producers.

Yep, CBS is now able to make the ground move.

I mean, not like these people don't have plenty of reasons to be paranoid... but that's taking it a little far.

Awesome though.

Also awesome? Craig chatting everyone up. Not to be missed.

LAME

2008-08-06T10:56:00.004-04:00

Hey CBS, you know I love you and very rarely hate on you... after all you've given me so many wonderful gifts:

-How I Met Your Mother
-The Amazing Race
-Survivor
-Big Brother
-The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
And last, but certainly not least...
-Greatest American Dog

So why must you do this to me? Why???? Why????????

Yep, you saw it. You can't un-see it. This fall, CBS brings you Psych except with more CSIness and less funny.

SYNDICATION

2008-07-30T15:47:00.003-04:00

Hey racing fans:

Today I was watching Eureka on SciFi, and I gotta say, it wasn't so bad. I don't think I will dedicate myself to watching it but I won't mind if I end up seeing it once in a while. Why? The answer is simple: SEXY NERDS.

Like this guy:

Nerd-gasm. If you're a sexy nerd (or the actor pictured above) please call me!

But anyway, I learned something more important than that (if such thing is possible) while watching the show. Listen to this: SciFi is going to start playing Lost in syndication in September.

Yep you heard it here first.

So basically, if you've never seen Lost and are too cheap to buy the DVDs, are awesome like me and don't have Netflix, and are too stupid to use The Internets, you can now catch up on the best show ever!

Thank me later cheap, awesome, stupid friends.

EVIL NERD!!!

2008-07-29T08:06:00.003-04:00

OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS!!!

So here I am in my room, watching the morning news on NY1, as I do, and I just saw a report on a dad in a custody battle who kidnapped his daughter and may be in the New York area. The whole story is very sad of course, except for one thing:

They're looking for him on his 95 foot yacht called SERENITY.

Is his yacht intergalactic? Or is this Rockefeller just a huge, evil nerd?

The world may never know.

Fuck You, TBS!

2008-07-23T20:13:00.002-04:00

Today I ended up watching the very first episode ever of Sex And The City on TBS.

Oh, shut up, you know you've seen it.

I know this is not a new sentiment, but HBO shows do not do well in syndication.

You know how in that first episode at the end Big drives Carrie home? And he accuses her of never having been in love? And then she asks him if he's ever been in love? And he rolls down the window and says "abso-fucking-lutely" and then drives away? And it was totally iconic and became Big's catch phrase? And your friends all started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" all the time?

Well, on TBS, all that stuff happens, except when Carrie asks him if he's ever been in love Big says "Absolutely" and drives away. Boring.

Seriously, certain censorship should be illegal.

I think that if TBS shows Casablanca they should dub over "Here's looking at you kid" with "bye". That would be good.

On a happier note, I realized that I would totally make out with Skipper. Nerd-gasm.

The Ultimate Killer

2008-06-20T16:49:00.003-04:00

So guys, remember that time that Lost was awesome? Remember how this season we fell in love with so many exciting new characters? And people started being Daniel/Charlotte shippers? And some of our new friends left us all too soon?

Such is the sad story of Martin Keamy, or, as he was called by some, "The Ultimate Killer". We had a good time with Keamy. He scared Michael by shooting things from the boat. He killed the doctor. He forced the captain to do stuff. He killed Alex. He strapped that bomb to his arm. He died.

Well, trust me, Martin Keamy may be dead, but he is not forgotten.

My very good friends Larry Bonk and Tasha Lutek started the wonderfully wonderful blog Keamy's Paradise. It's gettin' the hits, you should check it out.

M. Night Shyamalan Can Go Fuck Himself

2008-06-20T15:16:00.005-04:00

There are two "traditions" on my friend Theresa's birthday.

One is that we get her a really fun yet ridiculous food item. Last year we gave her this cake:

This year we got her this Edible Arrangement:

The other "tradition" is that we go see a bad movie. Last year, in the midst of the penguin craze that swept the nation we saw Surf's Up... a failed attempt at an animated mockumentary about a penguin who just wanted to be the best surfer ever.

This year, our plan was to see The Love Guru, but that didn't open in time. We then decided to see You Don't Mess With The Zohan instead.

When we arrived all hungover at the Union Square Regal, Theresa had a change of heart, as is her right on her birthday, and we decided to see M. Night Shyamalan's first ever R-rated blah blah blah, The Happening.

Well, at least we kept the bad movie tradition alive.

Seriously, The Happening is a total piece of shit. Spoiler alert, not like you should give a fuck, but yeah. So the movie. It's about the scariest thing of all: plants.
But not even the scary kind like that... just the normal kind... like the kind that are RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!!

Terrified yet? Yeah, me too.

So yeah, these plants decide they hate humans for some reason and start letting out a deadly gas that makes people act weird and then kill themselves upon contact. One guy in the movie had the neat idea of letting tigers eat him! In this amazing world of camera phones, in the midst of all the death and destruction, someone put it up on the YouTube and then it became a viral video! No really! In the end, "the event" ends on it's own, and Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel decide they want to have kids after all! No really! And then "the event" starts again! In France! Right by the Louvre! No really! I bet some people impaled themselves on the Mona Lisa or some shit. If I was going to kill myself in The Louvre, that's how I'd do it.

So yeah, just like every other one of M. Night Stupidmalan's movies, this one was a total waste of time and crock of shit. Yeah, you don't even have to say it because I'm aware... I'm hatin' again.

But here at SHOMTV we always hate because we love... so here's my advice for Mr. M. Night Skankmalan: If you want to save your career and make people like you again, here's what you do:

Don't try to make an interesting auteur flick with a twist, instead, just make a kickass zombie movie. It's a scientific fact that everyone loves zombies, especially taste-maker types. Also, I love zombies, so I will give you a really good review. Also, it's a scientific fact that zombies are scarier than plants. Think about that for a few seconds, you'll realize that it's true. There is a reason that 28 Days Later is much scarier that Little Shop of Horrors.

Take a look:

Zombies

Plants.

Do the fucking math.

Farmer wants a hottie

2008-06-12T10:17:00.001-04:00

Just so you know...

I'm rooting for Kanisha.

Keep that in mind.

My Super Sweet Revenge

2008-06-12T09:40:00.005-04:00

Alright racing fans, get ready to join me on the hate train, Destination: (Where else?) The dark land of non-Tila Tequila related MTV.

I haven't watched My Super Sweet 16 in years and I guess I started to assume that it was as harmless as anything else. I was dead wrong. I sat at my computer watching it with an especially ugly facial expression that was somewhere between mouth-hanging-open and disgusted scowl.

Remind me to never wath My Super Sweet 16 around any hotties. Instant turn off.

Anyway, it's gross. Gross gross gross. Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross.

Unlike many of my friends, I'm no socialist. I believe in capitalism and I would love to be super rich and buy a gold plated replica of Kyle Busch's 18 Toyota. Also pay him to give it to me. Also we'd make out.

But I can't help but find the display of unapologetic spoiled greed and hubris on My Super Sweet 16, as I already stated, gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross.

But by way of the blogosphere, there is good news. These spoiled brats that make Lindsay Lohan look like the nice girl that guy you have a crush on starts to date that you want to hate, but you can't because she's just so nice, are about to get theirs.

Big time.

Check out this link:

New MTV show that tortures past My Super Sweet 16 bitches.

This might be enough to make me stop hating on MTV for ever.

Here's hoping that on this trip around the world, there are no Fast Forwards.

I Can Haas Cigarettttte?+

2008-06-07T20:26:00.006-04:00

Wow. Sorry that I haven't been around lately, haters. I have no one to blame but myself. In any case, here's who's to blame: My new boyfriend (that's right bitches, I have a totally awesome boyfriend.... I bet you didn't think I could do it) for making me want to spend lots of time with him, and my employer, for making me do lots of actual work during my work day.

Anyway, on to all things vaguely pop culture related.

In big news, I did it. I quit smoking. It was a very spur of the moment thing inspired by TV and two men I love: Patrick Kiernan and Mayor Bloomberg.
This all started on Tuesday, the day that New York increased the taxes on cigarettes, bringing the average price of a pack up to $9.00. On Tuesday morning, I did what I usually do while getting ready for work: I turned on NY1. For those of you who don't live in New York City, NY1 is the local 24hr news network that Metro News 1 is based on. For those of you that don't watch How I Met Your Mother, you can go fuck yourselves.
I like watching NY1 in the morning because they tell me about the subways and the local news and the weather on the 1s, plus, Patrick Kiernan reads the newspaper to me so that I don't have to.
Anyway, Patrick Kiernan informed me of the price increase, and also told me that Mayor Bloomberg had declared that day "New York Quits" day.

Now I don't tend to pay attention to politicians for the most part, but for some reason, I fucking love Mayor Bloomberg. And since I do everything Mayor Bloomberg tells me to do, I totes quit smoking that day.

It was rough at first, but I'm doing well now. Plus, hotties like kissing you more if you don't taste like tar.

I plan to make this lifestyle change permanant, but I have realized that there are two reasons I would start smoking again in a heartbeat:

1. I was hanging out with Anthony Bourdain

You guys know exactly what I'm talking about. Dude's a total badass. His job is to travel around to different countries, eat awesome food, while chain smoking and talking shit. If that's not your dream job, you're a communist. I feel like it would be a crime to hang with Bourdain and not be inhaling smoke as if my life depended on it.

2. I get a job as an Alaskan crab fisherman

Even though it would be brutal, I think I'd kind of love being a greenhorn on The Deadliest Catch. These guys pull crazy 35 hour shifts, hauling pods nonstop, fueled by little more than Redbull and nicotine. If I was on one of those ships, I'd be sucking 'em down from morning til night.

So there you go, Big Tobacco. If you want me to continue giving you my money, get me a date with Anthony Bourdain, or a job on a crab ship. Your move, haters.

Mr Big Headache

2008-05-30T21:29:00.002-04:00

Since I am no hater, I'll admit it: Yep, I've seen every episode of Sex And The City. And, like the gross girly girl that I am, I've also been known, when talking to pop-savy girlfriend about relationships, to say things like, "you know, it's like that episode when Carrie dated that guy who wanted her to pee on him..."

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about Gabby Solis... Just for the record... I have never dated a guy that wanted me to pee on him, I swear. THAT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE!.

Seriously, cool it.

So yeah, even though my close girlfriends and I are more likely to talk about what dude from How I Met Your Mother we'd be than debate which one of us is slutty enough to be Samantha, I have to admit, I'm a fan of sorts.

And for the record, I better be Carrie.

Anyway... As you surely know, The Sex And The City movie premiered today. My friend Arielle wanted to see it with me. I was going to go with her, but thankfully, she let me off the hook after I made enough excuses. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. Thanks Arielle!

I seriously can't think of a more terrible thing to do than see that movie opening weekend in Manhattan. Can you? Nope, I didn't think so.

Right now, instead of battling a bunch of Manhattan women, not to mention desperate tourists, dressed in their designer heels, I am sitting at my computer and drinking a Bud Light.

I think I won.

Excuse me while I freak out...

2008-05-29T11:09:00.002-04:00

If there's one thing you better not be hatin' on, it's the two hour season finale of Lost tonight. I'm going over to my bud Larry's to watch it. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!Season finale of Lost is tonight!OMG!

Alright. Got it out of my system. AHHHH!!!!! Tonight!!!!!

Wait for it...

2008-05-27T14:50:00.004-04:00

On Sunday night, some of my neighbors threw a legendary party, there were a lot of cute boys there, and I decided that I wanted to play my favorite game, which is of course "Have You Met Jill?". For those of you who don't how know it's played, it goes a little something like this:
Jill wasn't so into playing it, because you know how she is. At that moment, I realized, for the first time, that I am totally the Barney to Jill's Ted.

Reasons I'm exactly like Barney:
1. I'm awesome.
2. I have a blog.

Case closed, haters.

Excited or weirded out?

2008-05-27T10:04:00.002-04:00

So I was just watching an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live! from last week and saw this promo for a new show called Wipeout:

Wha wha wha? Is this a new American version of Ninja Warrior? I mean, I can't tell much from the promo, but it surely looks similar. I have to admit though, I'm hatin'.
I used to watch Ninja Warrior quite a bit, chilling in the dorms with friends after a night of partying or whatnot. I have to say, it's a show I really enjoy.

If anyone's not familiar with Ninja Warrior it's a really popular show from Japan that is syndicated here on G4. I guess we Americans tend to snicker at most things Japanese, but in Japan, the show is taken very seriously. Olympians, professional athletes, firemen, celebrities... they all dream of winning the title on Ninja Warrior. At first, it's tempting to watch the show and snicker at how silly people look landing spread eagled on some sort of rubber balance beam and plunging into the murky water below, but after watching more and more of it, it becomes clear that it's actually an awesome competition that people bust their asses training for.

My friends and I used to wonder when they'd make a domestic version of this awesome show... but I never thought that the American version would appear so shamelessly tounge in cheek. This one is much more of a "game show" and seems as if it will feature your run-of-the-mill famewhores and not people who want to prove something.

Le sigh. We'll see what happens.

Item! The Indy 500 happened!

2008-05-26T12:48:00.003-04:00

And just so you know, Indy Car drivers are all really, really hot. Like Dan Wheldon...
And Scott Dixon...

And Graham Rahal...

Look at that! There is no way you can hate on that. Hotties rule.

the way to my heart...

2008-05-23T21:59:00.003-04:00

Listen up boys... this is valuable information if you want to date me. Haters need not apply. Unless said hater is really good looking. And has a beard. And lives in Bushwick.

A little back story first. If you've ever read this blog, or met me, or seen the wallpaper on my computer at work, you know that I love Patrick Dempsey. I'm also a member of the Williamsburg Chapter of the Patrick Dempsey fan club. Anyway, I've been trying to rent all of McHonor's old movies so that the fan club can screen them. The first time I tried went like this:

Myrtle: Do you have Loverboy starring Patrick Dempsey?
Video Store Middle Aged Woman: Let me check. No.
M: Okay. Do you have Can't Buy Me Love starring Patrick Dempsey?
VSMAW: Yes, it's in the comedy section.
M: [Goes to get it] Awesome.
VSMAW: Isn't Patrick Dempsey the poor man's Sean Penn?
M: Uh, actually, Patrick Dempsey is the awesome man's awesome.

So yeah, ever since then I've been searching far and wide through all of Williamsburg and Bushwick to find these other movies, but no stores have them. I would just order them on Netflix, but I don't have Netflix. The money I would spend on Netflix goes to my DVR.

Word. Anyway, I always ask for "(Movie X) starring Patrick Dempsey". The people who work in these video stores are usually cute hipster boys and have a wide range of responses.

Remember when you were younger, in middle school or high school perhaps, and would daydream about the way that the perfect person would identify themselves? When I was in about 9th Grade (and awkward beyond words) I would imagine some cute dude starting a conversation about Kurt Vonnegut with me... yeah, I guess my interests were a bit more highbrow when I was 14.

Now that I'm in my twenties and a tiny bit less awkward, I have this fantasy:

Some cute dude at a video store will see me browsing, remember me, and call me over. He'll say something along the lines of "Hey, I found this and thought you might be interested" and hand me a Patrick Dempsey movie. Yes, that's how my knight in shining armour will identify himself.

So listen, it's not that hard dudes. I'll fall for anyone who has a copy of With Honors.

Wow, I'm cheap.

Don't hate.

Meditations on Late Night Talk Shows...

2008-05-23T18:28:00.005-04:00

Alright, haters, who you hatin' on today? I'll tell you who I'm not hatin' on... This guy:
Yep, me and The Craig Ferguson are on pretty good terms right now. After all, he's the original leave Britney alone. But besides that clip I just linked to, I had never watched his show at all. I guess I used to hate on late night in general, and if I did tune into a late night show I'd be a trendy asshole and go straight to Conan, without even considering Craig. I now know the error of my ways.

Here's what happened. At work a few weeks ago I was assigned to watch an episode of The Late Late Show. I had never seen it before and kind of assumed that it would be crap. I have to admit, at first I was completely baffled by it.

For those of you who haven't seen it, the opening credits are pretty strange. It's this upbeat British song over clips of Craig in all these weird costumes. The whole thing had a very British feel to it... I'd say the song almost reminded me of the Red Dwarf theme song, with some British sketch sensibility thrown in. To make matters more confusing, the guests that night were Ewan McGregor and Morrisey. Plus, in the opening monologue, Craig described something using the word "Dickensian", which is not exactly a word that comes up in casual American conversation. I started to think to myself "is this some weird import?" Also, there was a sketch about soccer. Freaking soccer?! What kind of commies do they have working over at CBS.

Yeah, so I was watching with a very confused look on my face, and an even more confused look in my brain. Craig doesn't carry himself like the other late night dudes. Yeah, he does a monologue and tells jokes, but he doesn't have a band leader (or a band) to banter with and he never seems scripted. He kind of just talks to the audience and goes off on tangents. At first, I was hatin' on the unknown. As I got used to it, I realized that it totally rules. I highly reccommend it. Craig's funny. And Conan's getting more and more like Jay Leno (:shudder:) every day.

Based on this new love I have redesigned my hierarchy of network late night talk shows. Granted I've never seen a full episode of Kimmel and haven't seen Carson Daly since he was first on, but I'm gonna act like I know all about them anyway.

Here goes, from funniest to lamest, the ranking is:

1. Craig Ferguson
2. David Letterman (yep, that old dude still has it going on)
3. Conan O'Brien (he's slipping man)
4. Jimmy Kimmel (at least he's actually a comedian)
5. Carson Daly (oh god he's terrible)
6. Jay Leno (never says anything original or funny... he gets to move up to 5 though, if he goes Jay Walking or if Howie Mandel does that hidden camera thing he does)

So yeah, keep up the good work CBS. I love you Craig! Call me!

Dr McPiano

2008-05-20T15:20:00.003-04:00

If you're anything like me, your mom is in love with Hugh Laurie. My mother definitely doesn't hate on TV, but she is very picky about it. She only allows herself to watch two shows at once, and her picks for the past few years? American Idol and House.

I actually got my mom into Idol during the first season years ago. I was watching and she got hooked. We voted for Kelly Clarkson. Yep, we liked "Since You've Been Gone" before it was cool.

I'm not sure exactly how she got into House, but I think that it used to air in the time slot after Idol? Or after the results show? Who knows. We all know that DVR has made time slots obsolete, and "appointment TV" barely exists anymore. To me, an "appointment TV" show is one that I dial up on the DVR as soon as I get home, no matter how drunk I am. Oh and BTW, The Office no longer makes that list. Yep, you heard it here first haters. I am office-ially over The Office.

Anyway, back to Hugh Laurie. So yeah, my mom loves everything House. I never initially dove into it, but after hearing about the reality TV themed ways that House was choosing new fellows I knew that I could resist no longer. Now I am nearly done with the third season. And yeah, show fucking rules.

I recently watched S3E15 "Half-Wit" , the episode in which Dave Matthews plays a mentally disabled piano prodigy. The episode was good, but I think that it was basically an excuse for Hugh Laurie to show off his mad piano skillz. The dude is good. Seeing this episode made me think of a cool internets experience I had a few weeks ago.

My mother had not yet seen Idol Gives Back the day after it aired, but she saw a short clip on the news and called me and said "Did you know that Chase plays the violin?" I did not. Upon further investigation, she discovered The Band From TV... a star studded band of TV stars that plays shows for charity. It does indeed feature Jesse Spencer on the violin, but it more importantly features Hugh Laurie tickling the olde ivories.

I went to youtube to hear this for myself. I listened to this:

So yeah, that's cool... but what's cooler is that it looks like Hugh Laurie has quite a bit of experience with that particular song:.

Oh, Dr. McPiano.

Don't you even mention the word "Lost" around me!!!

2008-05-16T19:45:00.007-04:00

I'm serious. Don't talk to me about Lost. I haven't seen the most recent episode and it might be a few days before I get a chance. I'm allergic to spoilers, I'm serious.

You might think it's okay to come up to me and say something along the lines of "I'm not going to give anything away but last night's episode of Lost was sooooo good." But seriously? Don't. I will shoot you in the head.

You're all like "Not to spoil it for you but this Lost was way more exciting than last week's." And then I'm all like... putting a cap in your ass. I'm super serious guys. Don't test me. The rules are simple. Don't talk to me about it. If you realllly need to talk about it, call a suicide hotline and talk to them. They're there to listen to your new time travel theories. I am not.

I may seem to be overreacting right now. I can hear you saying, "But Myrtle, I swear I won't give anything away, I just wanted to give you a heads up that the last act is really emotional." Well fuck off, asshead.

See here's the problem. From your tone of voice or general opinion about the episode, I've already learned too much. Any emphasized word will make those sweet, sweet 43 minutes I spend in front of my DVR with the Losties, The Others, The Boaties, The Dharma Initiative and Charles Widmore exponentially less exciting. Oh you thought Lost was boring last night? Thanks a lot douchemouth, you just ruined my day.

Anyway, here is a list of things I would be happy to talk about instead of Lost:
-Last week's episode of How I Met Your Mother
-Neil Patrick Harris in general
-My BBQ on Sunday (that will be totally awesome)
-Your cute bearded friend you want to set me up with
-Beards in general
-That jerk of a guy (or girl) who dumped you
-The coming zombie apocalypse
-What I did last night with Jill
-Jill in general
-Patrick Dempsey
-How much you love my blog
-How much you love me in general
-The check cashing industry

So there you go. Write that down and carry it around so you remember when you see me. Because seriously, don't be a whorebag and you won't get attacked.

kiss tyra's fat ass

2008-05-14T21:15:00.003-04:00

They said it could never be done... but it happened.

Whitney, the plus-sized model on cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model, won.

Way 2 Go Whitney!!!

Here's a picture of Whitney dressed up as Avril Lavigne:

Also, it's double appropriate because it was taken in McCarren Park. W00t.

Whitney, I hope you have all the success that any winner of Top Model has. Mostly none.

iced coffee is my life force

2008-05-14T19:20:00.004-04:00

The other day I lent a sweatshirt to Jill. She was a bit surprised when she reached into the pocket and found several packets of Splenda. But there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, I swear.

I love love love Splenda. Let me level with you. I drink a lot of iced coffee. In the summer I'm known to have a cup of iced coffee permanantly attached to my hand. And an iced coffee without Splenda is scarcely an iced coffee at all.

The reason I carry around Splenda in my pockets (and purse and occaisionally go into Starbucks just to steal it) is that once in a while, I'll encounter an understocked Dunkin' Donuts.

People might think I'm crazy, but I think I've been vindicated by this card on someecards.com

item! Real World to destroy brooklyn!

2008-05-13T20:32:00.004-04:00

ZOMFG.

Am I myself becoming a hater? Oh no! Oh no! Stelllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

My friend Arielle just linked me to this Gawker article about how the next season of The Real World will be shot somewhere in Brooklyn.

Gawker is guessing that the most likely neighborhood to set it in would be Williamsburg... I would have to agree, if only because Williamsburg is the center of the universe. It's also where I happen to spend the vast majority of my time.

I don't hate on much, but I kind of hate on The Real World. Yeah, it used to be awesome, and yeah it paved the way for a lot of what's awesome now... but I think this tired horse should have been put out to pasture years ago. I don't blindly hate MTV... A Shot at Love was one of the best things that ever happened to me, I can watch marathons of Parental Control, The Ex-Factor, and Next all night. I plan to one day find the time to finally watch all of Laguna Beach and of course The Hills. But The Real World? Yeah, it deserves some serious hatin'.

I guess a group of seven people won't be able to ruin my summer... but they're not going to be doing me any favors on my quest to stop all the hatin' on reality tv.

The worst part? I know I'm going to end up watching every fucking episode to see if anyone I know gets caught on camera. Come to think of it, I kind of hope some douchey person I know dates one of these people.

If I see anything interesting, I'll keep you posted... while I cry into my pbr.

Something tastes fishy…

2008-05-13T01:25:00.004-04:00

Jill and I did something that is both awesome and em-bare-assing Sunday night. We went to Surf Bar on North 6th Street in Williamsburg and each ordered a delicious bowl of crab chowder.
Why are you so confused? Ah, that must be because I didn’t link you to anything that might explain the chowder. Yes, even though I love chowder in all its forms (especially the kind that’s the slang word for money) this was no ordinary chowder trip.
In fact, my favorite Web sitcom, The Burg, features an episode that involves this crab chowder as both a hilarious joke and an important plot point. Watch it, or live a helplessly chowderless life… and go eat a spoon full of sand.

i miss the internets

2008-05-10T17:52:00.007-04:00

I don't have the Internets in my apartment right now because the selfish people we were stealing it from turned it off. So right now I am at The Archive, an ultra-hip coffee shop near my apartment. I am stealing their Internets. Well, not so much stealing it as paying them for a delicious iced coffee as I use their Internets.

They also rent movies. I have never rented a movie here. The rentals are overpriced. And they don't have a very good selection of Patrick Dempsey's work.

Did I tell you that I started the Williamsburg chapter of the Patrick Dempsey fan club? I think I may have. So far, it only has four members:
Ryan Darrenkamp- President

Jill Hockett- founding member

Sarah Hockett- founding member

And of course.... ME!
Anyway, I needed to get Internets in my apartment, so I called Optimum Online, the makers of my favorite commercial evar and signed up. Let me tell you something... Time Warner Cable was raping me in the ass. Seriously. I was paying those fuckers $145 a month for service at my old place (wireless and cable with DVR). I'm now paying Optimum $86 a month for that same thing. Boo-yah.

There's only one downside to IO Digital cable. They don't have the Fox Reality Channel, which is my favorite cable channel. Le sigh.

McHonor, age 21

2008-05-06T02:20:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wish I was more post-ironic and didn't give into the occaisonal ironic interest. Such is my love for Patrick Dempsey. In the spirit of "if you're doing something ironic you're still doing it" I try to say that I'm genuinely enjoying my Patrick Dempsey obsession, but I guess I'll have to admit that there's irony in it.

Anyway... A few of my friends and I have taken it upon ourselves to really enjoy the vast work of Patrick Dempsey, so we rented Can't Buy Me Love, the 1987 teen movie starring McHonor himself as a dorky teen who pays a popular cheerleader to date him so that he can become popular.

The results are truly wonderful.

As much as I hate on Patrick Dempsey now, he was totally a dreamboat back then. I'd totally do him.

Rent it now.

Why they gotta be hatin'?

2008-05-05T18:35:00.002-04:00

I live in Bushwick, Brooklyn and have to admit that based on the kind of people I hang out with, the way I usually dress, the places I frequent, the kind of men I am attracted to, and the amount I drink... I'd definitely be considered a hipster. This is not a fact I'm ashamed of... I used to deny it when people called me a hipster, but I think that considering "hipster" an insult is so 2005.

Anyway, as a struggling media-theorist I find it important to own my aesthetic preferences and cultural interests. Though I may shamelessly refuse to leave Brooklyn for social events and even more shamelessly drool over men who have beards and work freelance, I make sure not to let hipsterdom dictate the kinds of cultural phenomena I'm "supposed" to like. In my mind, sticking to my guns and making emphatic decisions about what's awesome is what makes one truly hip. It may be typically unhip to like American Idol or NASCAR. Do I care? No, because it's awesome.

Anyway. Last night my friend Chrissie invited me to meet her at the Turkey's Nest in Williamsburg for the kickball after party. It was really fun. I was talking to this awesome chick when some dude came up and asked me, "So what's your deal? What do you do?"

My answer? "I watch a lot of TV." This is a badge I wear with pride! I love pop culture and I want to know everything I can about it.

That's when the hatin' started. The girl started lecturing me, telling me that I was never allowed to say that again because saying that I watch TV makes boys think I'm lazy. Wait a second bitch... there is nothing lazy about the way I watch tv. If some dude will think I'm lame just because I watch TV, I don't want to talk to him anyway.

In my mind, someone who thinks that all TV aficionados are lazy, is just as bad as someone who thinks I'm cheap because I'm a Jew. Srsly, I'm a great tipper.

Stop hatin' on my TeeVee, Brooklyn.

McHonor

2008-04-24T03:17:00.004-04:00

Don't you think it would kind of suck to be Patrick Dempsey? Sure he's incredibly good looking and rich but he's... McDreamy. You know?

Well, he's one of my new obsessions. Enchanted is my new favorite movie and he was genuinely great in that. And soon he's coming out with Made of Honor, which looks like the worst/most useless movie ever.

My friends and I have been speculating about the disaster that is to be Made of Honor including a scene in which Patrick Dempsey will most likely have to deal with a male stripper at the bachelorette party. But, the crux of our speculation comes from our fabricated "twist". The "Made" in Made of Honor is the most useless pun of all time. Is Patrick Dempsey's character made of honor? If so, the "twist" must be that he's a military man who will be awarded the Medal of Honor by the President at some climatic moment. Perhaps his love's fiance is a terrorist and Dempsey has to defuse a bomb at the wedding, thus proving that he is indeed made of honor and wins the medal of honor, and more importantly her heart. Tag line? "Death to the Inlaws". Now that's a movie I would see.

But yeah... this whole honor business is really on my mind... so much so that I committed an act of wiki vandalism today. Check out what I did to Patrick Dempsey's wikipedia page:

It was fixed already, but it was glorious while it lasted. Made of pure honor indeed.

RENT ENCHANTED!!!

2008-04-23T18:47:00.004-04:00

I saw Enchanted on the plane home from Colorado, and let me just say: It fucking ruled.

Seriously, easily one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's kind of like Shrek if Shrek was live action and didn't suck balls. If you don't see Enchanted immediately you are doing yourself a huge disservice. You might get hit with a stray bullet tommorrow and dying without seeing Enchanted would be a tragedy.

I think the supreme awesomeness of this movie is one more win in the "irony is so over" column. Like the dreaded Shrek, Enchanted is a fairy tale, while also taking a satirical look at the genre. Unlike that ogre piece of shit, Enchanted is sincere and sweet and isn't afraid of what's beautiful.

Also, Amy Adams is awesome. I think I'm going to declare her the winner of the prestigious "my favorite actress" award.

Here's the trailer...

happy shiny people

2008-04-19T12:53:00.002-04:00

so here I am in Colorado to celebrate Passover. I have to admit it's strange.

people here are friendly and nice and happy and chill. I'm not used to that. I like my people Brooklyn style:

That is to say, jaded, cynical, bitter and generally pissed off.
I realize that people out here have a higher quality of life, in a lot of ways, but I still think I'm cooler. I love you Brooklyn!

But the worst part? My uncle who I'm staying with doesn't have TV. Not at all. How do these people survive?

Well, I'm off to a college campus where everyone has no worries, and is irie and whatnot. BARF CITY.

Take me back to the land of bored people with glasses. Fuck Coors, give me my PBR.

I NEED more Big Love

2008-04-16T17:24:00.003-04:00

I'm sure you've heard about the raid on the FLDS compound in Texas. In case you haven't, this fundamentalist mormon compound was raided and all the children were taken away from their polygamist families.

Of course, this news story makes me crave new episodes of Big Love more than anything else. I love Big Love! I need more! Now!

Here is a picture of an FLDS member and two of his wives:

Now here is a picture of Joey Hendrickson and his two wives:

Ah yes. Life.... art... imitating each other.

C'mon HBO... Hurry up and give me more of Bill Paxton's naked ass!

intellectual catfight

2008-04-14T21:14:00.002-04:00

As you may know, I consider myself to be post ironic in my cultural interests and understanding, and I'm extremely interested in exploring this fairly new area of thought.

A new friend recently pointed out to me that if you do a google search for "post irony", an essay on Andrew WK is one of the first things that comes up.

I highly reccomend reading the entire thing. I don't know much about Mr. WK, so I can't really agree or disagree on the merits of the argument, but it's an extremely entertaining article.

It starts out with Christopher R. Weingarten presenting his argument, and then M. David Hornbuckle and Ned Davis presenting a counter argument.

It doesn't end there, and the resulting intellectual argument verges on hilarity.

Definitely a good read.

my little bubble

2008-03-15T19:21:00.006-04:00

Now, I think of myself of someone who's pretty on the ball and open to all areas of pop culture. So its weird when something suddenly appears that I had no idea existed.

I had such an experience yesterday. I finally got around to watching the latest episode of The Celebrity Apprentice and was once again truly charmed by Trace Adkins and his calm-and-classy demeanor. And that voice... oh that voice... so deep and soothing and beautiful. I had never heard his music but could picture him sitting with a guitar and a bottle of whiskey while slowly crooning about a woman who gone done him wrong.

So I finally decided to take a look at what Trace Adkins could do and this is what I found:

So yeah... "Honkytonk Badonkadonk". Weird weird weird weird weird. That is not what I was expecting from Trace. I didn't even know this kind of stuff was happening in the world. I may be a NASCAR fan, and I may consider myself to be open to all kinds of pop culture, but this baffled me. I guess this kind of stuff never penetrates my liberal New York world.

Come on... it's like a rap video... but it's country!!!!

I believe I have been pwnd.

It's Been Such a Long Time

2008-03-10T17:36:00.002-04:00

Oy. So yeah. Lately two things have happened that have stopped me from posting.

1. I taught myself how to type using the Dvorak Simplified Keyboard

While I was learning I was typing really slowly and it would have been a pain to attempt anything like a blog post.

2.I sprained my ankle really badly in the snow and was nearly completely immobile for two weeks.

Sure I could have typed during that time... but to tell you the truth I was too busy pitying myself and hating the world and compulsively voting for Jason Castro. Yep, my life was pathetic.

There is so much to write about that its a bit daunting. Right now my cup runneth over with reality shows. Between Big Brother, American Idol, The Celebrity Apprentice, and Rock of Love 2 I'm a bit swamped. So much so that I haven't even been watching Survivor. And of course throw Lost into the mix.

Geez. Where's a girl to start?

LOST- Confirmed Dead

2008-02-08T16:11:00.000-05:00

Hello! So I hope y'all watched Lost last night because it was graaaamazing, as always.

Now, I'm a huge Lostie and know many other true fans and I always enjoy discussing the minutiae of the episodes at great length. I'm the kind of person, that if you try to talk to me while Lost is on, well, I'll fucking cut you... or just whine and pout.

Anyway, I've found that big Lost fans, in general, really don't like to talk about the show with casual fans. I have a friend... (Evan Greenspoon, you know who you are) who has seen about half the episodes overall and always wants me to tell him what happened in the newest episode. I'm not mean, so I've tried a couple of times to fill him in... but the problem is that he always interrupts me with asinine questions that no true Lostie would ever ask ("What's going on with Kate? Is she going to go to jail?") and I end up getting frustrated and yelling at him and storming away to go read message boards.

So I got an idea... from now on I'm going to write a fake recap of Lost every week.

Starting next week, because right now I'm lazy.

POLLLLLAAAR BEEEEAAAAARRRR

Who do you think you are?

2008-02-03T21:07:00.000-05:00

Now let me start out with saying that, as a hardcore American Idol fan, I usually tend to be pretty bored by the first rounds of auditions and generally don't take much pleasure in the "so bad they're (supposedly) funny" auditions. This year, for the most part has been no exception- but, there have been two shining moments that make me giggle every time I think about them:

1) Paul Stafford's "Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would, so that's always good because he usually goes down on just about every body" bon mot.

2) The most amazing thing I have ever seen. I feel like I should feel sorry for this dude, but every time I think about it I just laugh. The video is embedded below. The whole thing is good, but the part that I can't get out of my head comes around the 0:40-0:45 second mark. Enjoy!

Dan Humphrey is SO POOR!

2008-01-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

In honor of Gossip Girl: Revealed, a re-airing of the show with special features cut in to make strike-tired viewers think they're watching something new, I'd like to think back on the great things that make the poor poor poor Humphrey family soooooo pooooooor

The Humphreys are sooooo poor that (pilot edition):

(audience: HOW POOR ARE THEY???)

1)They live in BROOKLYN.
Sure, the show might claim it's Williamsburg, but we Brooklyn folk recognize that luxury loft they live in to be an actual DUMBO location. Nice try, show.

2)Dan and Jenny have NO FRIENDS.
We all know that everyone hates poor people. Poor people in Brooklyn? Puh-lease. Gross.

3)Jenny had to MAKE HER OWN CLOTHES.
Perhaps the most ridiculous part of this whole poor charade. I do not know any 14 year old girl that knows how make a convincing t-shirt, let alone a perfect imitation of a couture gown. Come on.

But I have to say, I missed this show a lot.

Amazzzzzzzing!

2008-01-27T22:53:00.000-05:00

Here are pictures from TARcon 12.

It was totally awesome. I drank bellinis with crushed raspberries in them! Yum!

I met:
Drew (s1, all-stars)
John Vito (s3, all-stars)
Tom and Terry (s10)
Kynt and Vyxsin (s12)
TK and Rachel (WINNERS s12)
Jennifer (of Shana and...) (s12)

And of course.... PHIL!!!!

Follow that link for more photographic evidence!

Best Ad Ever?

2008-01-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

Have you seen this ad for IO Digital Cable? Well, in case you haven't, here it is:

Ever since I first saw it I've been pretty obsessed. I can't tell if I love it or hate it. The one thing I know is that I can't stop watching it. Seriously. Like three times a day.

My favorite parts are (a) When the pirates chase the chicks on the beach, and (b) When the dragon comes out of the water to sing.

Also, if you go to the youtube page the comments, and discussion of race politics, is pretty entertaining.

How lame am I?

Stop Hatin'

"I Just Hope He Doesn't Croak On Us"

2008-01-06T22:11:00.000-05:00

Man, it sucks that the high-point of my week is over by Sunday evening. On the other hand, how did I live for 22 years without The Amazing Race? It is truly a mystery.

Tonight's episode was, like all episodes, TOTALLY AWESOME.

TK and Rachel (left, obvi) made a pretty bad blunder and set themselves squarely in last place. The first 50 minutes of the episode made me do some serious nail biting, but I recovered. Nope, you can't fool me Mr. Bruckheimer.

A non-elimination leg was really the only thing that made sense... the finale will obviously have three teams and if the penulimate episode isn't elim? Well that would just be boring... But the Amazing Editors seemed to do everything they could to convince that TK and Rachel were sure to be eliminated. The problem? They did way too much. The second TK and Rachel started interviewing about how much their relationship means over footage of them completing the entire Roadblock and Detour, it was clear that this was a fake out.

They still have a lot of ground to make up... but I'm still rooting for them. I'd be sad to see them go.

Also, I can't wait to sexually assault Nick at TARcon 12.

TARcon 12!

2008-01-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

Good news everyone!

About a week ago I bought my ticket to TARcon 12, the fan convention that Television Without Pity organizes for the finale of The Amazing Race every season.

I'm super excited! The $75 package I purchased includes a three hour, top shelf, open bar during the viewing party. Current and past racers usually attend, and from pictures I've looked at on the internet from past events, Phil Keoghan even shows up.

So yes, I am finally giving over to complete reality dorkdom. This will be my first ever fandom event and I couldn't be more pumped. I can't wait to discuss the pros and cons of detour options with other like-minded individuals.

Jen has an Amazing melt down...

2007-12-09T22:02:00.000-05:00

This week on The Amazing Race Jen and Nate got pissed at each other.
I'd love to tell you about this awesome episode (that ultimately ended in my winning a six pack of Stella Artois from my co-worker, but I decided to just let Jen narrate it for you in her own words:

"You've got to be freakin' kidding me! God, this sucks! You're the meanest person I've ever met sometimes! i hate you! I hate you! I've never going to be with you ever again! I hate you with a passion! Very graceful, Nate. No, its not okay! our relationship sucks! I don't want to be here anymore!"

So I hope that clears up what happened in Croatia.

What does Patti Deutsch do for a living?

2007-12-06T02:13:00.001-05:00

So recently I've gotten really into Game Show Network. I started watching it because they're currently playing Amazing Race reruns that I completely am obsessed with seeing. (Amazing Race is completely awesome btw)

But because of that I've been watching Match Game.

Let me say, I had never seen Match Game before. But, I have a story. Over the summer at the Del Close Marathon at UCB I saw a parody. I was working and got a free volunteer pass to the whole thing. I brought Ryan Chupick one night and we got wasted on the free kegs. After, around 2am, we went out to see a sketch entitled "Match Game '76". I had never seen the show before.

The improv sketch consisted of Paul Scheer as the host, Jack McBrayer and Lennon Parham as the contestants and about twenty comedians playing celebrities from '76 who were ridiculous and over the top. It was literally insane. There were insults thrown. There was beer spilled all over Jack McBrayer. I was high off my ass and literally flipped out and had to leave directly after.

So, months and months later I finally saw Match Game and I never realized how insane that show was. It's amazing.

In a post soon, I will supply my ideal Match Game 2008 panelist list.

Guess what I did yesterday?

2007-12-02T14:47:00.000-05:00

Yep. I auditioned for Big Brother 9.

It wasn't a big fancy casting call like I was expecting. It was at this tiny little metal bar in Williamsburg called Duff's.

I was majorly hungover from the raging kegger my roommates and I threw on Friday night, and though I had been planning on attending this casting call for weeks and weeks I almost completely forgot it in my hungover daze.

I arrived at the bar at about 7:30, signed in, filled out my application, grabbed a cranberry/vodka (hair on the dog, right?) and sat around to wait for my name to be called.

Guess who showed up to bask in the love of his fans? Oh, Mr. Eric "America Loves My Nipple Rings" Stein.
When I first saw him, I thought "OF COURSE he's here" and kind of snarked quietly to myself. But if his plan was to get the love of his fans, it worked. Almost everyone took a picture with him... including me.

After only about an hour of waiting, my name got called. They took my picture with a digital camera and then I sat down on a bench in the bar with some dude and talked to him for a bit. He asked all the basics... "why do you want to be on the show?" "Do you think American would like you?"

I thought it went pretty well. I told him I thought my looks could work for me in that people would look at me and see a chubby nerdy girl and not see me as a threat. I continued to talk about being a nerd, yadda yadda yadda. The guy totally loved me and at the end of the interview he said, "I'm so glad you brought up the nerd thing. That's really hot right now." And I think that's hilarious. He seemed to like me and told me they'd call me before 2pm today if I got a callback.

Sadly, I didn't get a callback. But, in case you were hatin' on me... here's some proof:

Meditations on Immunity Idols...

2007-11-30T02:20:00.000-05:00

So tonight James got eliminated at Tribal Council, and though earlier in the season I was a big fan of Big Strong Gravedigger James, I can't say I was disappointed.

Before I go into my reasons for anything, I have something embarrassing to admit: besides the infamous Richard Hatch snake/rat first season finale... this season is my first Survivor experience, so I am sadly no expert.

When Todd (who I really dislike and largely consider the hubris-ridden villain of the season) engineered a "brilliant" plan to supply James with not one but both hidden immunity idols, I was initially elated... "WHAT A TWIST! HOW EXCITING!" I gasped during that episode. Soon though, I began to get bored/annoyed with the whole idea of the hidden immunity idol.

This season, the hidden idols didn't even really become a factor at all until final ten, when Jamie erroneously played one in a last ditch effort to save herself. Today, we were down to the final seven. At Tribal Council, Eric was armed with the immunity necklace and James was armed with both of the immunity idols. To me, that has potential to be a boring-ass situation. If James had played one of his idols, that would have meant that out of the seven, only five had the possibility of elimination. Snoresville. If Todd had stuck to his guns and ignorant "get rid of the Zhan Hus" attitude (c'mon, anyone who's ever seen an episode of a competition based reality show knows that a five person alliance is ridiculous at final seven) and eliminated someone other than James, Tribal Council would only continue to become less interesting.

I'm glad to see those immunity idols heading to the jury to play poker with Jean Robert and get a backrub from Frosti.

Icing on the cake? Amanda seems to be finally wising up and realizing that she has gotten all she can out of her alliance with Genius Todd... and is going to do the smart thing and find the right people to take to final three. Go Amanda!