Stop Hatin' on my TeeVee

2009-02-22T16:54:00.000-05:00

Why I Will Never Do Porn

2009-01-09T17:06:00.005-05:00

From the second I heard that Ryan Seacrest was producing Momma's Boys, I've felt like an Amazing Racer near a pit stop. The show has not disapointed. It's got everything! Drama! Racism! Makeouts!

But if you listen to the way Erica has been has been talking in clips like this you might think the stakes were a little higher.

Seriously girl, calm down.

Five Shows That Would Be Better Than Brody Jenner's BroMance

2009-01-09T16:35:00.005-05:00

So how do we feel about Brody Jenner? I don't know man. I don't find the dude all that offensive, but I also don't find him all that interesting. Also, he spent many years of his life being BFFs with Spencer Pratt.

I'm not really sure if that's a plus or minus.

Anyway, I've been watching Brody Jenner's BroMance (duh) and it's much like Brody himself: inoffensive and uninteresting. The only thing on the show that really makes my eyes roll out of my head is how important and famous and totally the best guy ever everyone tries to make Brody seem.

Alright guys. He's rich, sure. He probably had sex with Lauren Conrad, sure. He's good looking, I know. But- he was a middling character on a half hour reality show. That's it. He's less famous than Audrina. So when one of the contestants claimed "Brody's the man. Every girl wants him and every guy wants to be him", I nearly spit my Hannah Montana Hot Chocolate all over my TV. No. No no no no no.

So what shows would I rather watch?

-Lo Bosworth's LoMance

The only character from The Hills I really like enough to watch in a spinoff is Lo. She's snarky, she's hot, and she knows she's above most bull shit.
The show could basically be me and Lo hanging out and talking shit about people. And then I win a condo.

-George Clooney's ClooMance

Instead of some douche bag trust funder with no real skills, wouldn't viewers prefer to watch the actual man all women want and all men want to be? I think so.

-Jay Leno's LeNoMance

Let's imagine that Kevin Eubanks one day leaves Jay in a Spencarian display of drama. What would Jay need to do? It could definitely involve picking up chicks with some dudes and eliminating them in a hot tub. And NBC could air it in the 9pm timeslot, for all Jay, all the time.

-Joey Lawrence's WhoaMance

Do people still like jokes about Blossom?

-Paris Hilton's My New BFF

Paris Hilton would be the ultimate Bro! She's sexy, she's rich, and she's a media darling! In this show, MTV could put a bunch of girls and gay dudes in a mansion and let the drama fly! It would be awesome!
Oh, wait.

saved!

2008-12-31T10:45:00.001-05:00

Oh, that's right....

I don't have Time Warner.

Suckers!

Thanks iO digital cable for NOT screwing me over.

I'm gonna go home and watch MTV Tres alllll night.

THE (possible) WORST NEW YEARS EVAR!!!

2008-12-31T09:46:00.004-05:00

As you know, I only care about things that directly affect me or are related to pop culture. And in general, public radio is not one of the things I ever pay any attention to.

The coffee shop I go to every morning usually has WNYC playing. They never really talk about The Hills so I tend to ignore it.

Today, I went in, and the news is playing... I hear what I always do, which is pretty much:

"blah blah blah Madoff blah blah blah blah blah blah blah automakers blah blah blah blah Barack Obama blah blah blah blah Israel blah blah blah jobless rate blah blah blah wintry mix" until.... "blah blah blah VIACOM WILL PULL PROGRAMMING FROM TIME WARNER CABLE!!!!"

NO NO NO NO NO NO! Where will get our drams? Where will the kids get their Hannah Montana? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BISEXUAL TWIN MARKET???

Thanks for ruining Christmas, Time Warner Cable.

in search of friends who know shit

2008-12-30T17:05:00.003-05:00

Hey guys. I seem to have a bit of a problem. I need to find some new people to hang out with. Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they are fun to drink beer with and are really good at talking shit, but I am really hurting in one area: Nobody knows shit about pop culture.

Seriously, I had a g-chat status message up about Betty White and people asked me who she was. Unacceptable people.

Seriously, it's really not fair to me. Sometimes, I think of the funniest jokes about The Jonas Brothers or have the most astute observations about Brody Jenner. But does anyone I know care? No! And it's terrible! My genius goes completely wasted!

What's a poor person with a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of all things low brow to do?

So, I'm taking applications for people that want to be my friend! Will you laugh when I make an obscure reference from an old season of Survivor? If not, FUCK OFF.

My ideal candidate will be-
-Between the ages of 21 and 39
-A Brooklyn resident
-Really, really, really cool
-Almost as smart as me
-NOT cooler than me
-NOT smarter than me
-The Audrina to my LC

Spread the word. If I don't find someone who fits those requirements soon, I might have to start hanging out with middle school kids or something. Those kids can't hold their liquor, but they sure know what's up.

Watching The Survivor Finale...

2008-12-15T10:00:00.003-05:00

1. And wtf is Probst thinking? That dude is crazy... it's only the opening recap of the season, but he just said that Crystal and Kenny tricked Randy into playing a fake Immunity Idol.

NO! No no no no no! That is not at all what happened? And why would he say that? That was all Sugar, all the time. With a little Bob.

I am so sick of the "Sugar is dumb" stuff. Just because she's a hot chick from Brooklyn does not mean she's dumb.

I love her.

Fuck you, Probst.

2. Jeff Probst, about Sugar during the Immunity Challenge "Sugar, squeezing that booty through." SHUT UP PROBST.

All drams, all the time...

2008-12-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

Please add to the list of things I allow you to hate me for: I do not follow The Hills.

Embarrassing, I know, but I just never got into it when it started, and as it snowballed in popularity... I don't know, maybe I was too busy with every other reality show on teevee to pay attention.

I know some things (because I don't live under a rock)... I know what all the main characters look like, I know that Lauren and Heidi got in a feud that somehow involves Spencer, I know that Spencer Pratt is one of the most vile human beings alive on the planet... I mean of course I know these things, I'm an American.

Anyway, I was just as shocked and appalled as every other person on the face of the planet when I found out that Heidi married Spencer, and I've seen the last couple of episodes.

But I can't properly stop the hatin' on anything if I don't have a clear understanding of it, so I decided I should spend some time watching The Hills from the beginning. And man oh man. It is baffling.

I am only at the end of season one. I don't like it all that much but I feel like I must watch every episode. It seems like a puzzle. All I can think is how the fuck will Heidi transform from the nice (if out of touch) girl dating Jordan who is smart enough to see that Lauren's relationship with Jason is crap to the girl who has no friends and thinks it's a good idea to marry Spencer?

Seriously.

Other random observations:

-I hate Jason. I think that Lauren needs to date a Dan Humphrey type.

-Whitney totally rules. Definitely the most (and maybe only?) sympathetic character... and she seems really smart and good at stuff.

-Audrina is a weirdo. I kind of thought that Audrina was a character that only surfaced in the later seasons, I'm surprised to see that she's made it this long... I can't wait to see how she meets Justin Bobby. That's gonna be a total shit show.

Well, I have tons more Hills to watch.

Stay tuned for years late commentary on episodes you hardly remember.

Love you, haters!

Just A Nice Jewish Girl...

2008-11-25T10:19:00.006-05:00

Hey haters, It's that special time of year again. A time when the weather is cold and life seems magical. A time when our thoughts turn to all we have to be grateful for. That's right! It's TARcon Season again, the point in the year where The Amazing Race becomes the most important thing in my life. I'm at the point where I dream about Detours and think of my morning commute as is if I'm Racing. It's oh so much fun.

Now, there have been several teams I've really enjoyed so far this year, of course the nerd in me loved the Comic Book Dudes, Dallas and Toni remind me of my mom and my brother, and Ken and Tina are surprisingly likable as this season's token "HE CHEATED ON ME" couple.

But! I have something very embarrassing to admit. I almost can't write it, as it would get me seriously hated on if I was to say it on any TARfly message board, but... here goes...

I Totally Love The Frat Boys.
There. I said it. I know I know I know, they're annoying, and incompetent, and generally just terrible Racers, but no matter how hard I try, I always find myself hoping they'll be spared Philmination. Why? Oh, I have my reasons.

First of all, I'm just a nice Jewish girl. You all probably know this about me already, but I'm one of the chosen people, and damn proud of it. Even though Andrew and Dan are kind of clueless assholes, they're also the kind of guys I awkwardly flirted with after morning services at Kutz Camp. Andrew in particular would totally have been right up my alley, with his ginger Jew-fro and gold Star of David pendant. I guess it's an acquired taste...

Secondly, they share my slapstick nature. Some people are just destined to have consistently slapstick lives. You've seen it in Jennifer Anniston movies, you've seen it happen to Dr. Elliot Reed on Scrubs and Susan Meyer on Desperate Housewives, but you might want to know that it happens to some of us in real life too. Some people will never be graceful... and I'm sad to say I'm one of them. If something not-too-tragic can happen to make me look silly, it will happen. I'll fall over tiny cracks in the sidewalk, I'll get chili powder in my eye at a restaurant, I'll leave the bathroom of the bar with my dress tucked into my tights. It's just part of my life, I have come to accept it -but more importantly, it makes me understand and identify with other people with this problem... so let me just say: Team Dandrew, I feel your pain.
Anyone can fuck up on the Race. It takes a special kind of fuck up to loose your fucking shoes, change in and out of your military outfit several times, be physically unable to perform a march, and still stay in the Race.

Bravo Boys, I doubt you'll win, but maybe I'll see you at TARcon13, and maybe we can giggle when we spill beer all over each other by accident.

Or better yet, Manischewitz.

End Of Work Day Thoughts....

2008-11-20T16:44:00.004-05:00

Hey haters, I'm at work, and still have a lot of blah blah blah work to do, but I want to catch up on my hatin'. I really don't talk to you all nearly enough. So here are my thoughts about the world of entertainment right now.

-Politics is not entertainment, OKAY Entertainment Tonight?
I just watched an ep of ET from a few nights ago. And guess what??? The "Real or Rumor?" segment they have each night featured the Hillary as possible Secretary of State story. No!! No ET!! Not okay! That is not a story that should follow up the Is Miley Cyrus really getting a recording studio for her sixteenth birthday story.
Of course the story was reported in a very ET way, you know what I mean... "Will Hil be dressing up as Sec of State for the inauguration?" and all that jazz. But still. Whatever.

-I got my first nasty youtube comment today!
Yeah, lately I've been trying to start uploading things to YouTube while at work. I see lots of funny TV everyday and it's almost shocking how little of it actually makes it to youtube, so I've decided to do my part. Last week I posted an adorable video of Alexis Gosselin seeing an Aldergator. Today I posted Craig Ferguson being angry about the death of punk rock. All things near and dear to my heart.
Well, within minutes of me posting the Craig clip, some internet douche was already pissed about it! Success!

-I can't stop thinking about this one Verizon commercial.

It's not new, and at first I didn't think it was funny... but the more I see it, and think about it too much, the more hilarious it seems to me. Here is this guy's schedule:
9:30-1:00 Send funny pix to wife
1:00-1:15 Text son throughout recess
1:15-3:00 Exchange flix with daughter
3:00-4:00 Text aimlessly to everyone

Wow. That is 3.5 hours of his day dedicated exclusively to sending his wife funny pictures. Where does he get these pictures? Where are they from? I mean... the more I think about this commercial the more obsessed I get with trying to figure out what exactly he and his son talk about at recess, and what has he forgotten to say that he must remember to send during the one hour text wrap up from 3:00-4:00?

The world may never know.

-Thursday Night TV.
There's a lot of good stuff on tonight, I will not enumerate it to you. But- a not to be missed event is Chloe and Jimmy's Wedding!

Will those two work it out despite doomsday? Or will Chloe and what's-his-name get together? Who cares.

-Dutch People
First off, congrats, McKey! Good job at becoming the next Top Model or whatever. I'm sure you'll do all kinds of great CoverGirl ads. But, the best thing about the finale of America's Next Top Model? Andy Van Den Krommenacker made me yearn for the Olympics, when I would giggle everytime someone said Pieter Van Den Hoogenband.

Man, those were happier days.

OMFG I LOVE YOU PAT KIERNAN!!!!

2008-11-20T10:23:00.002-05:00

ZOMFG!!!1!!!! The best thing ever happened to me today.

All long-time readers know that I am absolutely crazy-go-nuts over sexy Canadian anchorman Pat Kiernan. I watch NY1 every morning before work and love the way he tells me about my lovely city.

A week or so ago, I was watching "In The Papers" (my favorite morning ritual) and good ol' Pat was reporting on a story about some government official who has thousands and thousands of Facebook Friends. My buddy Pat went on to talk about how embarrassed that made him, as he barely even had 500.

Now, you should all know me well enough to know that I sprinted as fast as my wireless internet would let me over to Facebook and friended him, with a message about the broadcast.

Today, I check the Facebook and what do I have? The following message from Pat Kiernan himself:

"Thanks for helping me to get over my Facebook self-esteem issue.

Pat"

Anytime Pat, anytime.

Why Gossip Girl rules and 90210 sucks ass.

2008-11-12T16:12:00.003-05:00

Hey haters! How's the hating? It's pretty good over here.

I know you've been wondering where I stand with trashy teen dramas on the CW lately, and I have to admit that I feel bad that I've kept you in the dark for so long. I'll be honest: I'm not completely up to date on either Gossip Girl (I'm only half way through "Pret-A-Poor-J") or 90210 (I've probably only seen half of the episodes... because it sucks too much ass), but I still think I have a pretty good idea of what's goin on.

Really, when it comes down to it, my thesis hinges on the following two teen movies of the nineties:

Never Been Kissed and Cruel Intentions

That may sound fucking stupid, but I assure you I have my reasons.

Remember this movie? Never Been Kissed was one of the shittier teen comedies of the nineties, starring Drew Barrymore and that dude from Alias. Drew went into the high school as an undercover reporter and made friends with the popular girls and Dude From Alias was her teacher and fell in love with her and then felt guilty and it was a scandal and blah blah blah boringsville.

On the other hand...

Cruel Intentions totally ruled. Buffy and Ryan Phillipe were stuck up rich kids with nothing to loose and Buffy taught Selma Blair how to kiss. Hottttt.
But then Buffy bet Ryan Phillipe that he couldn't seduce Reese Witherspoon and if he did he'd get to fuck Buffy even though she was his step-sister and they acted all intense and people died or something but we all learned a valuable lesson about life, I guess.
Now that was a quality nineties teen movie.

Alright, pop quiz hotshots!!! If you were going to take one of these plots and incorporate it into a trashy CW teen drama, which would you pick? Yeah, good choice.

This season, on Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair, two characters practically straight out of Cruel Intentions already, take on a very similar plot to the movie, and the scenes play out with very similar blocking and acting. Brilliant! Bravo! Good plan!

Meanwhile, over in embarrassingly crappy TV... An undercover cop named Kimberly enrolls at West Beverly in an attempt to bust some teacher who's dealing to the students. But! While Kimberly is undercover she and blandly sexy teacher Ryan Matthews (who is exactly the same kind of boring as Alias-face) fall in lurrrrve and it's a scandal and blah blah blah even more boring than the original if that's possible.

Seriously CW... you know better. No one really gives a fuck about this guy:

...expect maybe Brenda and Kelly.

BRO CODE HITS STORES!!!!

2008-11-11T10:18:00.003-05:00

At long last, my idol (and personality doppleganger) Barney Stinson has published his awesome book of awesomeness!!! You can buy it wherever books are sold. Go buy it! I'm tearing up just thinking about it. WTG, Stinson.

Review pending.

Best Cross-Over EVAR

2008-09-24T09:46:00.004-04:00

So y'all remember Luke Perry? He used to be a dreamboat on 90210 and then he was in that episode of Family Guy. Wasn't he also in the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer? An imdb search reveals he was indeed... Also, he was apparently a voice on three episodes of Pepper Ann and one episode of Clone High The man has cred!

That reminds me that I haven't been to The Olive Garden in forevvvver!.
But enough about me, back to Luke Perry.

So Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor are laboriously written into the new 90210, but thus far there has been no sign of bad-boy Dylan... but he has been mentioned as the father of Kelly's son and the fact that Kelly is still in love with Dylan has been mentioned.... But last I saw him, Dylan was pretty busy helping to save humanity over in Jeremiah, a crappy Sci Fi series about a distopia in which everyone over "the age of innocence" was wiped out by "The Big Death". Not, so good, but kind of addictive.

I know Jeremiah ended years ago, but so did 90210's relevance... so why don't we make TV magic and put them together?

Here's my proposal: The Big Death comes to Beverly Hills, and kills everyone over the age of innocence (sorry Brenda and Kelly! You're too old!). Soon a bunch of sexy teenagers are running around without parents, looting Chanel and Dior, and having crazy sex and drug parties until Beverly Hills looks more like Compton. Jeremiah and Kelly's son steps in to save the day... hilarity ensues.

Now THAT would be a much better show.

Can I Get Some Shabbat In The House?

2008-09-21T11:45:00.003-04:00

Hey haters... I know it's been a long time, nice to see you.

What's new in my life? Well, most importantly I spend most of my downtime watching reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on my DVR. I've also been seeing a lot of pop music. And thinking about boys way too much. Also, I'm working restlessly to improve my WPM. I'm at an average of about 66 wpm right now! Highest ever score on Type Racer was 79! Thanks dvorak!

But, in TV news, now that Season 5 of House is under way, I'm finally catching up on season 4. I'm not done yet, and at this point in the blog post I'd usually start yelling at you with the "NO SPOILERS" and whatnot, but unfortunately I already spoiled myself by reading a stupid (and interesting and sexy) article in "Entertainment Weekly". So yes, I know that 13 really does have Huntingtons, and yes I know that Cutthroat Bitch is going to die and it's somehow going to House's fault and blah blah blah, but I'm still enjoying watching it.

This morning I watched "Don't Ever Change" (S4E12), starring that chick that plays Sarah Silverman's doormat sister on The Sarah Silverman Program.

The episode is about a Hasidic woman who gets sick on her wedding day. And guess what? House cures her!!!! (Sorry for the spoiler).

But anyway, watching this episode greatly reignited my Jew-cravings.

Yep, you heard it here first, I'm a Jew... and I love my religion. Being the hip twenty-something in Brooklyn that I am, I don't usually spend much time doing religious stuff, and usually I'm fine with that... but every few months I'll get an intense desire to just study the fuck out of the Torah while sipping on some Manishewitz.
Is that so much to ask? Oy.

Seriously, nothing sounds as great to me as getting together with a bunch of cool Jewish peeps, doing a quick prayer service, singing a few Debbie Friedman songs, and getting smashed. Am I huge weirdo?

I might put my money where my mouth is and try to organize something. As far as I know, nothing similar happens in Brooklyn... but I might just be out of the loop.

Would you come?

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

2008-08-11T02:54:00.004-04:00

So you guys watching The Olympics? Yeah, me neither. But NBC sure makes me feel like I am.

Did you realize that the Olympics were going to be on NBC? Did you? They want to remind you.

Everything on NBC (and USA, and Bravo... and probably Sci Fi) has been Olympics themed. The fucking season finale of Last Comic Standing featured actors dressed up as olympians and stupid vignettes about the comics' events (Comedy Horse, Bass Jumper, Comic Ninja). But the worst part is that Project Runway featured a challenge in which the (stupid) designers had to design (stupid) outfits for the (stupid) opening ceremony.

Thanks NBC and all your affiliated networks! Without you I might have forgotten that The Olympics existed.

Well all this Olympics talk has made me think of something Craig said a few weeks ago.

Jarod Miller, host of (top five summer reality show) Greatest American Dog was the guest. Before he came out, Craig played a clip of an earlier Dog Bone Challenge (this show's version of a Head of Household comp). After the clip, Craig shook his fist and said "Take that NBC and your Olympics!" Oh Craig.

On a non-Olympics related note... Congrats to Iliza Shlesinger for being the first female winner of Last Comic Standing.

GIRL POWER!!!

Item! House Guests More Paranoid Than Previously Thought

2008-08-08T10:48:00.003-04:00

If you didn't know about (today's) The Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To Me, let me inform you:

Every Wedensday, Julie Chen is a guest on The Late Late Show and Craig talks to the Big Brother House Guests.

Yep! My two favorite things combined! Every week!

Well, you know what's crazy?

Over half of the house told Craig that they thought that the earthquake last week was not real and was just a trick played on them by the CBS producers.

Yep, CBS is now able to make the ground move.

I mean, not like these people don't have plenty of reasons to be paranoid... but that's taking it a little far.

Awesome though.

Also awesome? Craig chatting everyone up. Not to be missed.

LAME

2008-08-06T10:56:00.004-04:00

Hey CBS, you know I love you and very rarely hate on you... after all you've given me so many wonderful gifts:

-How I Met Your Mother
-The Amazing Race
-Survivor
-Big Brother
-The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
And last, but certainly not least...
-Greatest American Dog

So why must you do this to me? Why???? Why????????

Yep, you saw it. You can't un-see it. This fall, CBS brings you Psych except with more CSIness and less funny.

SYNDICATION

2008-07-30T15:47:00.003-04:00

Hey racing fans:

Today I was watching Eureka on SciFi, and I gotta say, it wasn't so bad. I don't think I will dedicate myself to watching it but I won't mind if I end up seeing it once in a while. Why? The answer is simple: SEXY NERDS.

Like this guy:

Nerd-gasm. If you're a sexy nerd (or the actor pictured above) please call me!

But anyway, I learned something more important than that (if such thing is possible) while watching the show. Listen to this: SciFi is going to start playing Lost in syndication in September.

Yep you heard it here first.

So basically, if you've never seen Lost and are too cheap to buy the DVDs, are awesome like me and don't have Netflix, and are too stupid to use The Internets, you can now catch up on the best show ever!

Thank me later cheap, awesome, stupid friends.

EVIL NERD!!!

2008-07-29T08:06:00.003-04:00

OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS!!!

So here I am in my room, watching the morning news on NY1, as I do, and I just saw a report on a dad in a custody battle who kidnapped his daughter and may be in the New York area. The whole story is very sad of course, except for one thing:

They're looking for him on his 95 foot yacht called SERENITY.

Is his yacht intergalactic? Or is this Rockefeller just a huge, evil nerd?

The world may never know.

Fuck You, TBS!

2008-07-23T20:13:00.002-04:00

Today I ended up watching the very first episode ever of Sex And The City on TBS.

Oh, shut up, you know you've seen it.

I know this is not a new sentiment, but HBO shows do not do well in syndication.

You know how in that first episode at the end Big drives Carrie home? And he accuses her of never having been in love? And then she asks him if he's ever been in love? And he rolls down the window and says "abso-fucking-lutely" and then drives away? And it was totally iconic and became Big's catch phrase? And your friends all started saying "abso-fucking-lutely" all the time?

Well, on TBS, all that stuff happens, except when Carrie asks him if he's ever been in love Big says "Absolutely" and drives away. Boring.

Seriously, certain censorship should be illegal.

I think that if TBS shows Casablanca they should dub over "Here's looking at you kid" with "bye". That would be good.

On a happier note, I realized that I would totally make out with Skipper. Nerd-gasm.

The Ultimate Killer

2008-06-20T16:49:00.003-04:00

So guys, remember that time that Lost was awesome? Remember how this season we fell in love with so many exciting new characters? And people started being Daniel/Charlotte shippers? And some of our new friends left us all too soon?

Such is the sad story of Martin Keamy, or, as he was called by some, "The Ultimate Killer". We had a good time with Keamy. He scared Michael by shooting things from the boat. He killed the doctor. He forced the captain to do stuff. He killed Alex. He strapped that bomb to his arm. He died.

Well, trust me, Martin Keamy may be dead, but he is not forgotten.

My very good friends Larry Bonk and Tasha Lutek started the wonderfully wonderful blog Keamy's Paradise. It's gettin' the hits, you should check it out.

M. Night Shyamalan Can Go Fuck Himself

2008-06-20T15:16:00.005-04:00

There are two "traditions" on my friend Theresa's birthday.

One is that we get her a really fun yet ridiculous food item. Last year we gave her this cake:

This year we got her this Edible Arrangement:

The other "tradition" is that we go see a bad movie. Last year, in the midst of the penguin craze that swept the nation we saw Surf's Up... a failed attempt at an animated mockumentary about a penguin who just wanted to be the best surfer ever.

This year, our plan was to see The Love Guru, but that didn't open in time. We then decided to see You Don't Mess With The Zohan instead.

When we arrived all hungover at the Union Square Regal, Theresa had a change of heart, as is her right on her birthday, and we decided to see M. Night Shyamalan's first ever R-rated blah blah blah, The Happening.

Well, at least we kept the bad movie tradition alive.

Seriously, The Happening is a total piece of shit. Spoiler alert, not like you should give a fuck, but yeah. So the movie. It's about the scariest thing of all: plants.
But not even the scary kind like that... just the normal kind... like the kind that are RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW!!!!!!!

Terrified yet? Yeah, me too.

So yeah, these plants decide they hate humans for some reason and start letting out a deadly gas that makes people act weird and then kill themselves upon contact. One guy in the movie had the neat idea of letting tigers eat him! In this amazing world of camera phones, in the midst of all the death and destruction, someone put it up on the YouTube and then it became a viral video! No really! In the end, "the event" ends on it's own, and Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel decide they want to have kids after all! No really! And then "the event" starts again! In France! Right by the Louvre! No really! I bet some people impaled themselves on the Mona Lisa or some shit. If I was going to kill myself in The Louvre, that's how I'd do it.

So yeah, just like every other one of M. Night Stupidmalan's movies, this one was a total waste of time and crock of shit. Yeah, you don't even have to say it because I'm aware... I'm hatin' again.

But here at SHOMTV we always hate because we love... so here's my advice for Mr. M. Night Skankmalan: If you want to save your career and make people like you again, here's what you do:

Don't try to make an interesting auteur flick with a twist, instead, just make a kickass zombie movie. It's a scientific fact that everyone loves zombies, especially taste-maker types. Also, I love zombies, so I will give you a really good review. Also, it's a scientific fact that zombies are scarier than plants. Think about that for a few seconds, you'll realize that it's true. There is a reason that 28 Days Later is much scarier that Little Shop of Horrors.

Take a look:

Zombies

Plants.

Do the fucking math.

Farmer wants a hottie

2008-06-12T10:17:00.001-04:00

Just so you know...

I'm rooting for Kanisha.

Keep that in mind.

My Super Sweet Revenge

2008-06-12T09:40:00.005-04:00

Alright racing fans, get ready to join me on the hate train, Destination: (Where else?) The dark land of non-Tila Tequila related MTV.

I haven't watched My Super Sweet 16 in years and I guess I started to assume that it was as harmless as anything else. I was dead wrong. I sat at my computer watching it with an especially ugly facial expression that was somewhere between mouth-hanging-open and disgusted scowl.

Remind me to never wath My Super Sweet 16 around any hotties. Instant turn off.

Anyway, it's gross. Gross gross gross. Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross.

Unlike many of my friends, I'm no socialist. I believe in capitalism and I would love to be super rich and buy a gold plated replica of Kyle Busch's 18 Toyota. Also pay him to give it to me. Also we'd make out.

But I can't help but find the display of unapologetic spoiled greed and hubris on My Super Sweet 16, as I already stated, gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross.

But by way of the blogosphere, there is good news. These spoiled brats that make Lindsay Lohan look like the nice girl that guy you have a crush on starts to date that you want to hate, but you can't because she's just so nice, are about to get theirs.

Big time.

Check out this link:

New MTV show that tortures past My Super Sweet 16 bitches.

This might be enough to make me stop hating on MTV for ever.

Here's hoping that on this trip around the world, there are no Fast Forwards.