Why Gossip Girl rules and 90210 sucks ass.

Hey haters! How's the hating? It's pretty good over here.

I know you've been wondering where I stand with trashy teen dramas on the CW lately, and I have to admit that I feel bad that I've kept you in the dark for so long. I'll be honest: I'm not completely up to date on either Gossip Girl (I'm only half way through "Pret-A-Poor-J") or 90210 (I've probably only seen half of the episodes... because it sucks too much ass), but I still think I have a pretty good idea of what's goin on.

Really, when it comes down to it, my thesis hinges on the following two teen movies of the nineties:

Never Been Kissed and Cruel Intentions

That may sound fucking stupid, but I assure you I have my reasons.


Remember this movie? Never Been Kissed was one of the shittier teen comedies of the nineties, starring Drew Barrymore and that dude from Alias. Drew went into the high school as an undercover reporter and made friends with the popular girls and Dude From Alias was her teacher and fell in love with her and then felt guilty and it was a scandal and blah blah blah boringsville.

On the other hand...

Cruel Intentions totally ruled. Buffy and Ryan Phillipe were stuck up rich kids with nothing to loose and Buffy taught Selma Blair how to kiss. Hottttt.
But then Buffy bet Ryan Phillipe that he couldn't seduce Reese Witherspoon and if he did he'd get to fuck Buffy even though she was his step-sister and they acted all intense and people died or something but we all learned a valuable lesson about life, I guess.
Now that was a quality nineties teen movie.

Alright, pop quiz hotshots!!! If you were going to take one of these plots and incorporate it into a trashy CW teen drama, which would you pick? Yeah, good choice.

This season, on Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair, two characters practically straight out of Cruel Intentions already, take on a very similar plot to the movie, and the scenes play out with very similar blocking and acting. Brilliant! Bravo! Good plan!

Meanwhile, over in embarrassingly crappy TV... An undercover cop named Kimberly enrolls at West Beverly in an attempt to bust some teacher who's dealing to the students. But! While Kimberly is undercover she and blandly sexy teacher Ryan Matthews (who is exactly the same kind of boring as Alias-face) fall in lurrrrve and it's a scandal and blah blah blah even more boring than the original if that's possible.

Seriously CW... you know better. No one really gives a fuck about this guy:

...expect maybe Brenda and Kelly.