Why I Will Never Do Porn

From the second I heard that Ryan Seacrest was producing Momma's Boys, I've felt like an Amazing Racer near a pit stop. The show has not disapointed. It's got everything! Drama! Racism! Makeouts!

But if you listen to the way Erica has been has been talking in clips like this you might think the stakes were a little higher.


Seriously girl, calm down.

Five Shows That Would Be Better Than Brody Jenner's BroMance

So how do we feel about Brody Jenner? I don't know man. I don't find the dude all that offensive, but I also don't find him all that interesting. Also, he spent many years of his life being BFFs with Spencer Pratt.

I'm not really sure if that's a plus or minus.

Anyway, I've been watching Brody Jenner's BroMance (duh) and it's much like Brody himself: inoffensive and uninteresting. The only thing on the show that really makes my eyes roll out of my head is how important and famous and totally the best guy ever everyone tries to make Brody seem.

Alright guys. He's rich, sure. He probably had sex with Lauren Conrad, sure. He's good looking, I know. But- he was a middling character on a half hour reality show. That's it. He's less famous than Audrina. So when one of the contestants claimed "Brody's the man. Every girl wants him and every guy wants to be him", I nearly spit my Hannah Montana Hot Chocolate all over my TV. No. No no no no no.

So what shows would I rather watch?

-Lo Bosworth's LoMance















The only character from The Hills I really like enough to watch in a spinoff is Lo. She's snarky, she's hot, and she knows she's above most bull shit.
The show could basically be me and Lo hanging out and talking shit about people. And then I win a condo.

-George Clooney's ClooMance








Instead of some douche bag trust funder with no real skills, wouldn't viewers prefer to watch the actual man all women want and all men want to be? I think so.

-Jay Leno's LeNoMance











Let's imagine that Kevin Eubanks one day leaves Jay in a Spencarian display of drama. What would Jay need to do? It could definitely involve picking up chicks with some dudes and eliminating them in a hot tub. And NBC could air it in the 9pm timeslot, for all Jay, all the time.


-Joey Lawrence's WhoaMance


















Do people still like jokes about Blossom?

-Paris Hilton's My New BFF


Paris Hilton would be the ultimate Bro! She's sexy, she's rich, and she's a media darling! In this show, MTV could put a bunch of girls and gay dudes in a mansion and let the drama fly! It would be awesome!
Oh, wait.

saved!

Oh, that's right....

I don't have Time Warner.


Suckers!

Thanks iO digital cable for NOT screwing me over.

I'm gonna go home and watch MTV Tres alllll night.

THE (possible) WORST NEW YEARS EVAR!!!

As you know, I only care about things that directly affect me or are related to pop culture. And in general, public radio is not one of the things I ever pay any attention to.

The coffee shop I go to every morning usually has WNYC playing. They never really talk about The Hills so I tend to ignore it.

Today, I went in, and the news is playing... I hear what I always do, which is pretty much:

"blah blah blah Madoff blah blah blah blah blah blah blah automakers blah blah blah blah Barack Obama blah blah blah blah Israel blah blah blah jobless rate blah blah blah wintry mix" until.... "blah blah blah VIACOM WILL PULL PROGRAMMING FROM TIME WARNER CABLE!!!!"


NO NO NO NO NO NO! Where will get our drams? Where will the kids get their Hannah Montana? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BISEXUAL TWIN MARKET???


Thanks for ruining Christmas, Time Warner Cable.

in search of friends who know shit

Hey guys. I seem to have a bit of a problem. I need to find some new people to hang out with. Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they are fun to drink beer with and are really good at talking shit, but I am really hurting in one area: Nobody knows shit about pop culture.

Seriously, I had a g-chat status message up about Betty White and people asked me who she was. Unacceptable people.

Seriously, it's really not fair to me. Sometimes, I think of the funniest jokes about The Jonas Brothers or have the most astute observations about Brody Jenner. But does anyone I know care? No! And it's terrible! My genius goes completely wasted!

What's a poor person with a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of all things low brow to do?

So, I'm taking applications for people that want to be my friend! Will you laugh when I make an obscure reference from an old season of Survivor? If not, FUCK OFF.

My ideal candidate will be-
-Between the ages of 21 and 39
-A Brooklyn resident
-Really, really, really cool
-Almost as smart as me
-NOT cooler than me
-NOT smarter than me
-The Audrina to my LC


Spread the word. If I don't find someone who fits those requirements soon, I might have to start hanging out with middle school kids or something. Those kids can't hold their liquor, but they sure know what's up.

Watching The Survivor Finale...

1. And wtf is Probst thinking? That dude is crazy... it's only the opening recap of the season, but he just said that Crystal and Kenny tricked Randy into playing a fake Immunity Idol.

NO! No no no no no! That is not at all what happened? And why would he say that? That was all Sugar, all the time. With a little Bob.

I am so sick of the "Sugar is dumb" stuff. Just because she's a hot chick from Brooklyn does not mean she's dumb.

I love her.

Fuck you, Probst.

2. Jeff Probst, about Sugar during the Immunity Challenge "Sugar, squeezing that booty through." SHUT UP PROBST.

All drams, all the time...

Please add to the list of things I allow you to hate me for: I do not follow The Hills.

Embarrassing, I know, but I just never got into it when it started, and as it snowballed in popularity... I don't know, maybe I was too busy with every other reality show on teevee to pay attention.

I know some things (because I don't live under a rock)... I know what all the main characters look like, I know that Lauren and Heidi got in a feud that somehow involves Spencer, I know that Spencer Pratt is one of the most vile human beings alive on the planet... I mean of course I know these things, I'm an American.

Anyway, I was just as shocked and appalled as every other person on the face of the planet when I found out that Heidi married Spencer, and I've seen the last couple of episodes.

But I can't properly stop the hatin' on anything if I don't have a clear understanding of it, so I decided I should spend some time watching The Hills from the beginning. And man oh man. It is baffling.

I am only at the end of season one. I don't like it all that much but I feel like I must watch every episode. It seems like a puzzle. All I can think is how the fuck will Heidi transform from the nice (if out of touch) girl dating Jordan who is smart enough to see that Lauren's relationship with Jason is crap to the girl who has no friends and thinks it's a good idea to marry Spencer?

Seriously.

Other random observations:

-I hate Jason. I think that Lauren needs to date a Dan Humphrey type.

-Whitney totally rules. Definitely the most (and maybe only?) sympathetic character... and she seems really smart and good at stuff.

-Audrina is a weirdo. I kind of thought that Audrina was a character that only surfaced in the later seasons, I'm surprised to see that she's made it this long... I can't wait to see how she meets Justin Bobby. That's gonna be a total shit show.

Well, I have tons more Hills to watch.

Stay tuned for years late commentary on episodes you hardly remember.

Love you, haters!

Just A Nice Jewish Girl...

Hey haters, It's that special time of year again. A time when the weather is cold and life seems magical. A time when our thoughts turn to all we have to be grateful for. That's right! It's TARcon Season again, the point in the year where The Amazing Race becomes the most important thing in my life. I'm at the point where I dream about Detours and think of my morning commute as is if I'm Racing. It's oh so much fun.

Now, there have been several teams I've really enjoyed so far this year, of course the nerd in me loved the Comic Book Dudes, Dallas and Toni remind me of my mom and my brother, and Ken and Tina are surprisingly likable as this season's token "HE CHEATED ON ME" couple.

But! I have something very embarrassing to admit. I almost can't write it, as it would get me seriously hated on if I was to say it on any TARfly message board, but... here goes...

I Totally Love The Frat Boys.
There. I said it. I know I know I know, they're annoying, and incompetent, and generally just terrible Racers, but no matter how hard I try, I always find myself hoping they'll be spared Philmination. Why? Oh, I have my reasons.

First of all, I'm just a nice Jewish girl. You all probably know this about me already, but I'm one of the chosen people, and damn proud of it. Even though Andrew and Dan are kind of clueless assholes, they're also the kind of guys I awkwardly flirted with after morning services at Kutz Camp. Andrew in particular would totally have been right up my alley, with his ginger Jew-fro and gold Star of David pendant. I guess it's an acquired taste...

Secondly, they share my slapstick nature. Some people are just destined to have consistently slapstick lives. You've seen it in Jennifer Anniston movies, you've seen it happen to Dr. Elliot Reed on Scrubs and Susan Meyer on Desperate Housewives, but you might want to know that it happens to some of us in real life too. Some people will never be graceful... and I'm sad to say I'm one of them. If something not-too-tragic can happen to make me look silly, it will happen. I'll fall over tiny cracks in the sidewalk, I'll get chili powder in my eye at a restaurant, I'll leave the bathroom of the bar with my dress tucked into my tights. It's just part of my life, I have come to accept it -but more importantly, it makes me understand and identify with other people with this problem... so let me just say: Team Dandrew, I feel your pain.
Anyone can fuck up on the Race. It takes a special kind of fuck up to loose your fucking shoes, change in and out of your military outfit several times, be physically unable to perform a march, and still stay in the Race.


Bravo Boys, I doubt you'll win, but maybe I'll see you at TARcon13, and maybe we can giggle when we spill beer all over each other by accident.

Or better yet, Manischewitz.

End Of Work Day Thoughts....

Hey haters, I'm at work, and still have a lot of blah blah blah work to do, but I want to catch up on my hatin'. I really don't talk to you all nearly enough. So here are my thoughts about the world of entertainment right now.

-Politics is not entertainment, OKAY Entertainment Tonight?
I just watched an ep of ET from a few nights ago. And guess what??? The "Real or Rumor?" segment they have each night featured the Hillary as possible Secretary of State story. No!! No ET!! Not okay! That is not a story that should follow up the Is Miley Cyrus really getting a recording studio for her sixteenth birthday story.
Of course the story was reported in a very ET way, you know what I mean... "Will Hil be dressing up as Sec of State for the inauguration?" and all that jazz. But still. Whatever.

-I got my first nasty youtube comment today!
Yeah, lately I've been trying to start uploading things to YouTube while at work. I see lots of funny TV everyday and it's almost shocking how little of it actually makes it to youtube, so I've decided to do my part. Last week I posted an adorable video of Alexis Gosselin seeing an Aldergator. Today I posted Craig Ferguson being angry about the death of punk rock. All things near and dear to my heart.
Well, within minutes of me posting the Craig clip, some internet douche was already pissed about it! Success!

-I can't stop thinking about this one Verizon commercial.

It's not new, and at first I didn't think it was funny... but the more I see it, and think about it too much, the more hilarious it seems to me. Here is this guy's schedule:
9:30-1:00 Send funny pix to wife
1:00-1:15 Text son throughout recess
1:15-3:00 Exchange flix with daughter
3:00-4:00 Text aimlessly to everyone

Wow. That is 3.5 hours of his day dedicated exclusively to sending his wife funny pictures. Where does he get these pictures? Where are they from? I mean... the more I think about this commercial the more obsessed I get with trying to figure out what exactly he and his son talk about at recess, and what has he forgotten to say that he must remember to send during the one hour text wrap up from 3:00-4:00?

The world may never know.

-Thursday Night TV.
There's a lot of good stuff on tonight, I will not enumerate it to you. But- a not to be missed event is Chloe and Jimmy's Wedding!

Will those two work it out despite doomsday? Or will Chloe and what's-his-name get together? Who cares.

-Dutch People
First off, congrats, McKey! Good job at becoming the next Top Model or whatever. I'm sure you'll do all kinds of great CoverGirl ads. But, the best thing about the finale of America's Next Top Model? Andy Van Den Krommenacker made me yearn for the Olympics, when I would giggle everytime someone said Pieter Van Den Hoogenband.

Man, those were happier days.